One of the top things that people never say is, “What I like most about you is that you’re a control freak.” We are drawn to people who are in control, but we are repelled by people who are controlling. There is something within all people that needs a sense of safety and security, but when something goes wrong in childhood to create insecurity, fear, or anxiety, the response is to overcompensate by trying to control people and things in order to make the world safe. The problem is that the more a person tries to control the world, the less safe and secure it becomes. People don’t like to be controlled, so they get angry, argue, have hurt feelings, carry resentment, and distance themselves from the controlling person. This leaves the control freak alone, frustrated, and stuck in a loop of trying to control things so they don’t get hurt, getting hurt, trying all the more to control things so they don’t get hurt, getting hurt, etc.
Is this you? Have you crossed the line from taking control of your life and making good decisions to trying to take over other people’s lives and telling them what decisions to make and how to live? You may have the best intentions in the world and honestly believe that you know best and are helping, but no matter your motives, people hate being controlled and they will always eventually separate themselves from you. Maybe you have lost relationships, been divorced, been forced out of or fired from several jobs, had friends turn on you, not just once, but it’s a pattern in your life. And you wonder what is wrong with all these people? They don’t want to be controlled.
What makes a person a control freak?
Control is a fear response. Humans are driven by “primary emotions.” These are the deep, primal emotions that are the first feelings a person has in response to what is happening around them. They are emotions like joy, sadness, fear, and shame. These feelings are too scary to admit, even to oneself, so the brain covers those vulnerable emotions with self-protective secondary emotions such as anger, disappointment, guilt, or rejection. The most common primary emotion is fear and the most common secondary emotion to cover it is anger.
People who are controlling have usually had something happen to them that made them feel sadness, fear, or shame. It might have been a traumatic event or events. Whatever it was, they are never going to let it happen again. And they are driven by fear that if they don’t control their world, it will. Being in control is a defense mechanism to protect them from feeling helpless and vulnerable. It isn’t just about having control, but about regaining control that was lost probably in a traumatic childhood experience. When the inside world is out of control with fear, shame, or sadness, people will try to cover that inner pain and regain control by overmanaging their outside world. They will do things like overexercise and develop eating disorders or micromanage their work life or try to run everyone else’s life. The control freak is trying to protect the wounded inner child from criticism, rejection, or punishment.
What are some signs you ARE a control freak?
There are three kinds of control freaks. One is the person who tries to control the world around them. Another is the person who tries to control the people around them. And the last is the person who tries to control both the world around them and the people around them. Here are some signs that you might be one of these three types of control freaks.
1.- Control freaks are critical.
They tend to judge everyone and everything based on their own standards. Controlling people don’t see it as criticism, but rather as honesty and helpfulness. They believe that pointing out people’s flaws and mistakes is constructive because it helps them improve. Control freaks will do things like giving a compliment followed by a dig disguised as a joke, correcting grammar and spelling mistakes, and criticizing family, friends, or co-workers in front of others.
2.- Control freaks don’t delegate.
They do it all themselves. To the control freak, their way is the only right way and no one can do it as well as they can. They worry that if they delegate a responsibility to someone else, it won’t be done right and they will look bad or receive disapproval. That is something they cannot let happen. Remember, they fear criticism, rejection, or punishment. That’s why they are controlling. So, rather than take a risk that a delegated task will make them look bad, they just take every task on themselves, spread themselves thin, and burn out.
3.- Control freaks are moody.
They are always on the edge of frustration because life and people are uncontrollable. Things don’t always go the way they want, and people usually don’t cooperate. When that happens, the control freak gets irritated, angry, agitated, and frustrated. Being a control freak is stressful.
4.- Control freaks are dominating.
Because they believe that they know what is best, they push the people around them to comply with their plans and ideas. To achieve that, they will flood people with texts, emails, and phone calls. They will pry and poke and prod to influence people to their point of view. They will threaten, coerce, bribe, or whatever it takes to force cooperation. This, of course, usually has the opposite effect that they want. People treated this way typically respond in one of three ways: resentment, rebellion, or retreat. This leaves the control freak upset, angry, and frustrated. See #3 above.
5.- Control freaks can’t admit their mistakes.
They have a huge fear of failure that doesn’t allow them to admit it when they have done something wrong, no matter how small the mistake was. When they are corrected or challenged, they may become hostile or defensive. Admitting a mistake would validate their fear of being seen as foolish or incapable in the eyes of others. Their whole self-worth depends on covering that vulnerability, so they cannot take accountability for errors. It must be someone else’s fault.
6.- Control freaks are hiding past hurts.
At some point in their early development, someone hurt them either emotionally or physically. That pain got planted in their central nervous system and their brain works overtime to protect them from ever going through it again. For them, the past is always present. So, out of self-protection, they compensate for their feelings of inadequacy and insecurity by doing all these controlling behaviors and more in an effort to make their world and themselves safe.
If you are struggling with perfectionism and see yourself in this blog, the good news is that there is help and there is hope. A trained therapist can help you get to the root of what’s driving your controlling behavior and address it so that you can live a life free of the need to control everything and everyone. I encourage you to read more about anxiety treatment. And then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling for a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started on the road to healing.
Callie Hall is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Dr. Bernis Riley, Psy.D, LPC-S. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from the University of Nevada at Las Vegas, and a Master of Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Grand Canyon University. Callie is taking new clients.