The classic movie, “The Sixth Sense,” has the famous line when the boy confides in his psychologist, “I see dead people.” In the movie, people who are gone are still walking around and the boy sees them. That is something like what it is like for a trauma survivor. Trauma is like a ghost from the past that no one else is aware of, but the trauma survivor still very much sees and experiences it.
is your Present Relationship Haunted By
Trauma from the past?
Your present relationship is haunted by trauma from the past when your partner has a history of trauma. A simple thing like coming up from behind and kissing her neck can trigger a ghost from the past that sparks a conflict in the present. That past trauma is suddenly in the room, very real and very powerful. You can’t see it, but it’s all she can see, and she reacts, not to you, but to the trauma. She yells, “Never grab me like that! You know I hate that, but you do it anyway.” And suddenly you are in the middle of a huge fight. You feel rejected; she feels alone. The problem isn’t you; it isn’t her. It’s the ghost that entered the room, which only she can see.
The ghost of past trauma may cause your partner to detach, go numb and become avoidant of things associated with the trauma, such as sexual intimacy. Or your partner might become hypervigilant, irritable, and overly defensive when something is triggering the trauma. Again, it’s not you; it’s the ghost that entered the room.
if your relationship is haunted by past trauma,
good news…healing is possible
The situation I have described seems hopeless. How can a present relationship survive, much less thrive when your relationship is haunted by the presence of trauma’s ghosts constantly intruding? The good news is that it can. Most traumas are relationship wounds, and nothing is more powerful for healing a past relationship wound than a safe, secure, loving relationship in the present. When the trauma survivor, instead of detaching, can ask his or her partner for an embrace and comfort during a flashback, that new sense of trust and security can actually reprogram the brain. For the person who has experienced past betrayals and/or abuse, a loving and understanding partner can become their savior, their healer (an extension of The Savior and Healer).
We have learned that people in safe and secure relationships have better functioning immune systems than people in distressed relationships. People in healthy relationships are also better able to cope with stressful circumstances, while people in unhealthy relationships experience depression and anxiety.
Emotionally Focused Therapy can heal
couples haunted by Trauma
At SoulCare Counseling, we use a powerful tool called Emotionally Focused Therapy that focuses on creating a safe and secure emotional bond between you and your partner. This bond fosters safety and calms danger and threat, dissipating the ghosts of trauma over time.
If you or your partner are a survivor of trauma, especially relationship trauma, your greatest need is for a safe connection, and the kind of renewed security and safety found in Emotionally Focused Therapy can provide the foundation for that.
Do you are your partner have a history of emotional, physical, or sexual trauma that is negatively affecting your relationship? Do you get caught up in negative cycles of conflict that seem to appear out of nowhere? There is help, there is hope. I urge you to read some of our blogs about Trauma Therapy, and then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling for help.
Risper Ngumba is a Licensed Professional Counselor – Associate under the supervision of Dr. Bernis Riley, LPC-S and Certified EFT Therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Commerce as well as a Master’s degree in Business Administration and a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.