In 1975 the band Nazareth had a hit with “Love Hurts.” The first two lines are: “Love hurts, love scars. Love wounds and marks.” That is one of the brutal realities of love: we hurt those we love most. Sometimes we intend to, sometimes we don’t; sometimes the injuries are small like emotional paper cuts and heal quickly, and sometimes the wounds fester and stay open for years. The latter type of injury is the subject of this blog, injuries to the level of trust between two partners. Therapists call these type of injuries “attachment injuries.” What is an attachment injury and how can it be repaired?
HOW TO REPAIR The Attachment Injury:
WHAT IS AN ATTACHMENT INJURY?
Before we address how to repair an attachment injury, let’s first ask what an attachment injury is. Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, defines an attachment injury as “a feeling of betrayal or abandonment during a critical time of need.” An attachment injury is a relationship trauma that wounds and weakens the attachment bond between people in close relationships. It happens when one partner expects comfort and caring at a time of need and the other partner violates that expectation in some way. This results in a transformation of the relationship in the perception of the wounded partner, that the other partner is now unsafe and untrustworthy.
Attachment wounds create distance and are fertile soil for conflict. At the heart of most, if not all, couple conflict is an attachment wound or wounds. When couples can’t recognize, repair, rebuild, and restore trust, they fall into what we EFT therapists call the negative cycle. This is the cycle of conflict where the injured partner reaches out, often stridently, and the other partner defensively parries, which triggers the pursuing partner to become more strident and intense, which causes the withdrawing partner to shut down even more. And the cycle escalates and creates greater and greater distance.
An example of this attachment injury-fueled negative cycle is a wife with a full-time job and three small children struggling to mediate a sibling squabble while getting dinner cooked while her husband watches a football game. She says, “Can you help with these kids?” He says, “They’re not bothering me,” and goes back to the game. She feels abandoned by him. She needs him and he has failed to be there for her in her time of need. Later, he reaches for her to make love and she turns away. He asks, “What gives?” And you can write your own dialogue of the fight that ensues. “You were not there for me and now you want me to be there for you sexually? I don’t think so!” “You were overreacting. The kids were just being kids. I’d been waiting to see that game all week.” Etc. Etc. She is hurt by him, but he does not understand how or why. He doesn’t validate her point of view or her feelings because that would mean he would have to take the blame for harm he didn’t intend. But she is genuinely hurt by his betrayal and until he acknowledges her pain in a compassionate way, the wound will fester and the negative cycle will thrive.
How to repair an attachment injury:
The Healing Conversation
Most couples’ strategy in scenarios like this is to ignore the injury or bury it. The problem with that strategy is that unresolved trauma does not heal on its own. It always manifests itself. At first, there will be a cooling and a distance in the relationship, but eventually the dam will burst and the injured feelings will break out in a huge fight that seems to come out of nowhere. But it doesn’t come out of nowhere. The small slight that erupts into World War III comes out of that festering attachment trauma.
The only solution is a conversation in which there can be forgiveness and healing of the attachment injury or injuries. One thing to understand is that the event itself is not the issue. The details of who did what and who said what is of little importance. What matters is the raw emotions that were injured. Couples can argue all day about content, but you can’t argue about feelings. A person’s feelings are real, whether they are rational or not. And it is those hurt feelings that must be addressed. Forgiveness and healing can never come until those injured feelings are brought to the surface, acknowledged, validated, and repaired. This cannot be done by one partner alone; it must be done together. Ideally, the closer to the original wounding that the repair is made, the better. The longer the trauma and the greater the number of traumas, the harder it is to renew trust.
HOW TO REPAIR AN ATTACHMENT INJURY:
Six Steps To Forgiveness
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, there are six steps to forgiveness. These are outlined in Dr. Sue Johnson’s classic book, “Hold Me Tight.” It is Conversation #5, the “Forgiving Injuries” conversation. You can repair an attachment injury by taking these six steps with the help of an EFT therapist.
Expressing the injury.
The injured partner begins by sharing their hurt as simply as possible. This is usually not easy. It requires resisting the urge to accuse, criticize, belittle the injuring partner. The key is to stay focused on the pain, the specific situation that created it, and how it affects their sense of safety with their partner.
Acknowledging the wound.
The injuring partner must listen without defending, and stay emotionally present while the injured partner shares their pain. Until the injured partner sees that their pain is recognized, they will not be able to release it and the negative cycle will continue.
Revising the script.
Now the couple can start to rewrite the script that says, “Never again will I trust that man/woman; I will not risk again.” Once the injury has been expressed and the injuring partner has truly recognized it and validated it and his or her part in it, the broken trust can now be rebuilt and the injured partner can risk trusting again.
Giving a true apology.
A true apology is more than just saying, “I’m sorry.” The typical defensive apology, “I’m sorry, okay?” can be as injurious as the original injury. The injuring partner must not in any way dismiss or diminish the injured partner’s pain. They must engage with their partner’s pain, validate it, and show that it has an impact on them.
Sharing the attachment need.
The partners now need to have a conversation around the attachment injury. In therapy, the EFT therapist is a great help at this point. The injured partner needs to share what they need – what attachment need they need to have addressed – in order to bring closure to the trauma.
Creating a new story.
Now the couple should create a new story that includes the injuring event, how it happened, eroded trust and connection, and created their negative cycle. Most importantly, the story should describe how they confronted the trauma together and began the healing process. Then they can talk about how to learn from this, continue the healing, and what they can do to prevent further injury.
If you have attachment injuries in your relationship that need healing, you may need help. I urge you to read more about couples counseling and then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling to schedule a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started on the road to healing.
Kelly Heard is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist - Associate under the supervision of Shaun Burrow, Ph.D., LMFT - Supervisor and LPC - Supervisor. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and am a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.