You love your partner, right? And it’s mutual, right? Yet, you fight. Sometimes you fight a lot and the fights can get intense and leave you wondering, “If we love one another, why do we fight so much?” The movies, TV shows, and books we read tell us that people in love don’t fight, and if you do, you must have fallen out of love. That’s the rationale for too many divorces. But it’s not true. You haven’t fallen out of love, but you have fallen into a negative cycle.
Why do we fight so much?
because of the Negative Cycle
Human beings are wired by our Creator for love and connection. We long to love and be loved. And we are always seeking secure connection. We don’t connect one time and instantly we’re connected for life. We have to keep connecting, and when that connection is threatened, damaged, or broken, we go into panic mode. We do whatever it takes to prevent disconnection, regain connection, or stop the pain of disconnection. This is why we fight so much; we’re reaching out for connection, which we constantly need. But when the brain signals that connection is in danger, we almost always reach for connection in dysfunctional, strange, even hurtful ways. Instead of saying, “I’m feeling disconnected from you and I need to know that you are there for me,” we slam the door, we make a cutting remark, we nit-pick all in an instinctual but doomed effort to draw our partner close. Or we get quiet and shut down and leave to keep from saying the wrong thing and making things worse.
These behaviors are distress signals but they are also unclear signals. They’re meant to stop disconnection, but instead they cause or deepen it by triggering what we call the “negative cycle.” The negative cycle is the same unproductive fight that you get into over and over. You get caught up in it like the vortex of a tornado and it escalates until you are both exhausted and frustrated. After a period of time, someone apologizes and you kiss and make up…until the next time someone triggers that same old fight. Sound familiar?
why do we fight so much?
because of The Dance Of Disconnection
Another reason why we fight so much is because we’re stuck in an endless dance of disconnection. Think of the negative cycle as a nightmare dance. In ballroom dancing, one partner leads and the other follows. One pursues and the other withdraws. One moves forward, the other moves back. Those are the two basic moves in the negative cycle. One partner stridently “pursues” connection, but with anger, criticism, complaining, etc., and the partner avoidantly “withdraws” with silence, shutting down, and leaving. Both are trying to either gain connection or save the connection in the only way they know how, but it doesn’t work.
There are only two options for keeping our relationships intact: fight for emotional engagement or avoid emotional engagement. The partner who fights for emotional engagement is what we call “the pursuer.” The partner who avoids emotional engagement is what we call “the withdrawer.”
why do we fight so much?
Because one of of us is a Pursuer
The partner who fights for more emotional connection feels that there needs to be more, better, or deeper communication and more, better, or deeper responsiveness. When there is not, there is a feeling of emptiness, longing, dissatisfaction, craving for more. In order to fill that craving, the partner might become demanding and try in various ways to get their partner to talk or show emotion or do something to show that they care and are available, responsive, and engaged.
Pursuers say things like, “I get so angry, but he/she doesn’t care. I can’t get through to him/her.” “I don’t think I matter to her/him.” “If I didn’t push, he/she would never initiate.” “I feel shut out. I feel lonelier in this relationship than when I’m by myself.”
why do we fight so much?
because one of us is a Withdrawer
Why do we fight so much? Because while one partner pushes for connection, the other partner withdraws from connection. The partner who avoids emotional connection does so because of their belief that the emotion is unsafe and that to prevent further harm or total destruction of the relationship and keep things under control, they need to go numb emotionally, get small and quiet, or leave. This only exasperates the pursuer, causing an escalation in the criticisms, attacks, complaints, etc., which causes further withdrawal.
Withdrawers say things like, “I can never get it right, so I don’t know why I try. I’m never good enough.” “When I see him/her get upset, I freeze; I don’t know what to say or do.” “All I know to do is wait for her/him to calm down; anything I do or say will just make it worse.” Or they might go into denial and say, “I don’t know what she/he is so upset about. We’re fine. This is just part of being married.”
there are Three Kinds Of Negative Cycles
Whether a person is a pursuer or a withdrawer usually is based on the survival strategy they learned growing up in their family, in their prior relationship, and in the current relationship. Given that there are only pursuers and withdrawers, and only two people in the relationship, there are three forms that the negative cycle might take. One of these is yours!
Pursue-Pursue
This is the form the negative cycle takes when both partners stridently push for emotional connection. Both partners attack and accuse. One partner feels the pain of a primary emotional need that gets wounded or threatened. That partner tries to get control and fix the pain by attacking with blame, criticism, a cutting remark, etc. This causes the other partner to feel emotional pain, so they return fire.
Withdraw-Withdraw
This is the form the negative cycle takes when both partners believe that avoiding emotions is the best way to stay safe emotionally and to keep the relationship intact. Even though they may both be feeling disconnected emotionally, to find safety, both partners shut down and check out emotionally. Both partners are in self-protection mode. They pretend that they don’t need each other and don’t feel anything. They may get along like polite roommates. But if this pattern goes on long enough, the couple will almost always divorce.
Pursue-Withdraw
This is by far the most common form the negative cycle takes. One partner seeks emotional connection and stridently pursues with sarcasm, provocative body language, anger, criticism, or anything that will get a rise out of their partner. The other partner goes into protection mode, seeking to protect both themselves and the relationship by offering solutions, making a joke, shutting down, walking away, anything to put oil on the water. In the end, both partners are left frustrated and feeling alone.
If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, and you want to get unstuck, at SoulCare Counseling, we use a couple therapy called Emotionally Focused Therapy. EFT works with your negative cycle and helps you identify it, understand what triggers it, and learn how to shut it down and find connection in the right way. I urge you to read more about couples therapy, and then reach out to me to schedule a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started in couples therapy.
Catrina Berkey is a Certified Christian Mental Health Coach at SoulCare Counseling. She holds a Master’s degree in Counseling. She is taking new clients and is available for a free thirty-minute consultation. Teletherapy is available.