If you do an internet search for the three ingredients of a healthy relationship, you’ll get various answers. One website I found listed respect, trust, and affection. Another gave 3 C’s: communication, compromise, and commitment. A YouTube video declared that it’s mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom. Yet another video says it’s kindness, shared vulnerability, and understanding. You get the idea. There are a lot of answers to this simple question, all good and true to a point.
But what is the core need that every person on earth has, the one thing that we crave from our partner above all else? Respect is good, trust is good, affection, communication, compromise, commitment…all those things are good, but what is essential? What is like oxygen to a relationship?
Emotional Responsiveness is Essential
to Every Healthy Relationship!
The most researched couples therapy on earth is Emotionally Focused Therapy. Its founder, Dr. Sue Johnson, sums up the research with this: the key to long-lasting love is emotional responsiveness. All humans long for connection and constantly seek a safe, secure attachment bond. Every couple is always asking one another, verbally or non-verbally, “Are you there for me? Will you be responsive to me when I reach out to you?”
In the counseling room, I’ve seen what happens in a relationship when the answer is yes, and when the answer is no. When the answer is yes, the couple will always have an emotional closeness and enduring love. If the answer is no, they will always become emotionally disconnected, leading to frustration, loneliness, and helplessness that can undo the relationship.
Dr. Johnson created a simple acrostic based on the question, “Are you there for me?” There are three ingredients of emotional responsiveness. When your partner can depend on you to do these three things, it is like relationship glue. They will be powerfully drawn to you, feel close to you, and your relationship will thrive. A.R.E. stands for Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement.
In Every Healthy Relationship,
the Partners are ACCESSIBLE.
Or you could say, they are available to one another. But “accessible” is a better word because the idea is that your partner can access you when they need you. When they are upset or worried or excited and turn to you, you don’t respond with a grunt as you stare into your cell phone. You don’t give a dismissive “That’s a shame,” or, “It’ll be okay,” which is code for “Don’t bother me with your feelings.” And you don’t give solutions or try to fix it. Men tend to do that. Instead of hearing her feelings, they say how to solve the problem, which is not what she wants. She wants her feelings to be heard. She wants an emotional connection and support. So, being accessible means that you can be accessed at any time to pay attention, not just to the words she says but the feelings behind them. Accessibility means listening and validating your partner’s feelings. Hint: validation is super-powerful! When someone hears and validates your feelings, it lessens stress and makes the problem seem smaller. It also makes you feel closer to the person who validated you.
In Every Healthy Relationship,
the Partners are RESPONSIVE.
Let me add the word “emotionally” responsive. It means that you are not only accessible, but you follow that by responding to your partner’s feelings. You let your partner know that what is going on in their inner world is important to you. For men especially, when our wives express upset or stress or anger, our first response is to think, “Oh no! What have I done wrong?” Or, “How can I fix this so she doesn’t get upset with me?” And we either go into self-protection mode or Mr. Fixit mode. Either mode leaves her feeling alone and unsupported, which actually will trigger a fight. Think about how you would feel if you were frustrated with something at work or worried about a problem or upset about some perceived injustice to you, and when you reached out to express it to your partner, instead of responding to your feelings, they started defending themselves or offering solutions. You would feel like your partner didn’t care, wouldn’t you? The key is to tune out your own alarm bells and tune into your partner’s needs, thoughts, and feelings. When you do, you will be able to comfort and support him or her and then you can work together to solve the problem. Hint: solving a problem is more effective after the feelings the problem brought up are validated. This is because, when our feelings are validated and we are reassured and know that we are not alone, our nervous system calms and the frontal cortex of the brain, the center of logic and reason, comes back online.
In Every Healthy Relationship,
the Partners are ENGAGED.
Again, “emotionally” engaged in a way that lets your partner come close. If your partner tries to talk to you, and your response is to grunt, nod your head, be silent, or worse, to become defensive, yell, pull away, pout, or withdraw, the result will be emotional disconnection, which is poison to a relationship. But if you ask questions, validate feelings, show empathy, support, understanding, the result will be emotional connection, which is like steroids to a relationship. Do you remember when you were dating and you were attracted to your partner, valued your partner, absorbed by them and involved with them? That’s what I’m talking about. Being engaged is sharing your thoughts and feelings instead of keeping them to yourself. This is hard for introverts, but it’s so critical to your relationship. Don’t make your partner press you to open up and say something. Sharing your feelings and thoughts in response to your partner sharing their feelings and thoughts says, “I value you; you matter to me.” This is true whether it’s something as mundane as talking about what to buy at the grocery store or something as deep as sharing your insecurities and fears.
I heard Dr. Sue Johnson tell about a study where they gave a mild shock to women and asked them to rate how painful it was. Then later, they repeated the shock but this time with the woman’s partner holding her hand. The women rated the pain of the shock as nearly inconsequential when they held their partner’s hand. It’s an amazing thing but true that when we know that our partner is there for us, we become more resilient and able to face the stresses that the world throws at us.
In the end, love is an emotional bond. So, if you want your relationship to thrive and last a lifetime, these three ingredients of a healthy relationship should be worth working on. That’s where a trained EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) therapist can help. I urge you to read more about Emotionally Focused Therapy, and then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling for a free thirty-minute consultation.
Dr. Bernis Riley, Psy.D., LPC-S, is the founder and Clinical Director of SoulCare Counseling.