At SoulCare Counseling, we have seen hundreds of disconnected couples repair and reconnect using Emotionally Focused Therapy. The research on EFT is impressive. 90% of couples who go through EFT significantly improve their relationship and 70-75% move out of relationships distress after treatment. Compare that to the next leading couples therapy at a 35% success rate. So, doing couples counseling with a counselor trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy gives your relationship a huge advantage, but here are 3 ways to get the best results from couples counseling with Emotionally Focused Therapy.
You’ll get the best results from couples counseling by doing It Weekly, Not Weakly
Some couples, in an effort to save money or because of child care issues, schedule counseling sessions every other week or even once a month. I totally understand the reasoning, but the reality is that with marriage therapy, the longer the interval between sessions, the less effective the therapy will be and the longer it will take. If you really want to get the best results from couples counseling, do it every week.
Emotionally Focused Therapy is therapy and just like any therapy, it requires regular repetition. We are helping you and your partner learn new ways of experiencing emotion, new ways of communicating, and new ways of connecting with one another. Just like learning to play an instrument or learning a new language, your brain needs to assimilate and solidify the new information so that it can literally re-wire the parts of the brain that have been blocking connection with your partner. Weekly marital therapy sessions are essential for this to take place. So, please don’t sabotage your success by reducing sessions to every other week or once-a-month, and do all you can to keep every appointment.
you’ll get the best results from couples counseling by experiencing Your Therapy
Often, clients come into counseling thinking that the counselor will “straighten out” their partner, and all will be well. Or they think that they’ll learn some new communication techniques or conflict resolution tools, which they can easily learn and use. Emotionally Focused Therapy doesn’t do any of those things. Emotionally Focused Therapy, like I said, is therapy. It’s not educational; it’s experiential. You will be asked to talk with your partner about your soft, vulnerable, inner feelings that you hide from the world, even from yourself. That experience is risky. I promise not to ask you to risk more than you feel safe doing, but I will ask you to risk what you can. I will ask you to turn to your partner and share your thoughts and feelings in a new way. These will be thoughts and feelings that you have probably never shared with them before or even admitted to yourself. This will be intimidating at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become, and the best results from couples counseling by far are gained by those who master it.
You may think, “Why do I have to face and share scary emotions with my partner?” The answer is that research has proven that couples talking directly to each other about their emotional needs re-wires their brains to connect in healthier ways and, at the same time, it deepens their relationship. This technique helps break out of your negative cycle and create a safe-secure harbor with one another.
But this can be tough sometimes. You will experience some emotions that you may not want to face. It will make you uncomfortable when you feel things and hear things from your partner that are unexpected. When this happens, it is not unusual for clients to “no-show,” cancel sessions, or quit therapy. When you start feeling that way, please talk to me about it. I welcome your honest concerns and questions. We can work together to help you get what you need from couples counseling with EFT.
to get the best results from couples counseling, Commit To Completing The Process
The EFT therapist is not like Indiana Jones who, when asked what his plan was, said, “I don’t know. I’m making it up as I go.” Emotionally Focused Therapy has a definite plan and process. There are three stages and nine steps that the therapist is working you through.
Stage One: Stabilization
Step 1: Assess the conflict issues and each partners role
Step 2: Identify the negative interaction pattern
Step 3: Explore, feel, and share the emotions underlying and fueling the negative cycle
Step 4: Understand and experience the problem in terms of the cycle, the underlying emotions driving the cycle, and the attachment needs longing to be met
Stage Two: Bonding
Step 5: Explore disowned needs and aspects of self that have been hidden for each partner
Step 6: Promote acceptance of these hidden parts, aspects of self, and new ways of relating
Step 7: Facilitate the expression of needs and wants, and restructure the interactions to create true emotional engagement
Stage Three: Consolidation
Step 8: Facilitate the emergence of new solutions to old problematic relationship issues
Step 9: Consolidate new positions and cycles of emotional closeness and attachment
How long does this take? Research studies on EFT show that it can be effective in 8 – 20 sessions. For some couples, it takes a couple of months, and for others it can take longer. It depends on the complexity of your situation and major life stressors like trauma, medical issues, special needs children, recent loss, infidelity, etc. But however long it takes, let it play out to the end of stage three and step 9. If you want permanent results, don’t end therapy prematurely. May I repeat that? If you want permanent results, don’t end therapy prematurely. It is a temptation when couples see progress in stage one to quit therapy. Research shows that the progress they have made tends not to last if they quit early. Permanent results are experienced by couples who finish the entire EFT process.
I will be happy for you to check in with me on where we are in the process and how you’re doing. And I will definitely let you know when you are ready to terminate.
I will be happy for you to check in with me on where we are in the process and how you’re doing. And I will definitely let you know when you are ready to terminate.
Learn More About Emotionally focused therapy
The more you know about Emotionally Focused Therapy, the better it will help you reach your goals. So, I recommend you purchase and read the following books:
Created For Connection by Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sanderfur
Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Love by Sue Johnson
An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples: The Two of Us by Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald
I also highly recommend doing couples intensive counseling. This is an intensive counseling weekend where we compress months of EFT work into 2-3 days. It is very powerful because you don’t stop and wait a week for the next session. You really get a lot of momentum with an intensive that accelerates the process. We hold couples intensives in our office in Colleyville, Texas. If you live out of state, it would be worth the plane ticket to come participate in one.
If you are feeling disconnected from your partner and would like to repair and reconnect, I urge you to read more about Couples Counseling. Then reach out to us for a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started.
Dr. Bernis Riley is co-founder and Clinical Director of SoulCare Counseling. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and a Certified EFT Therapist with a Doctorate in Psychology. She is also trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Dr. Riley is taking new clients.