Are You Stuck In A Cycle Of Conflict?

Do you long for a close, safe, secure, loving connection with your partner, but instead find yourselves stuck in a cycle of misunderstandings and arguments? Do insignificant things trigger marital conflict that escalates and intensifies with one partner attacking and the other withdrawing? Or perhaps both of you attack and counter-attack, trying to find “the bad guy.” Instead, of a safe and secure home base, your relationship is more like a minefield. Maybe there has even been an affair or some other violation of trust. As a result, you are hurt, lonely, frustrated, and unfulfilled.

couples counseling - man and woman sitting on bench

It’s not that you haven’t tried to work things out. You’ve read books, attended couple retreats, prayed and studied Scriptures on marriage, gone to counseling, learned communication skills, made compromises, yet the storms still erupt. Like Bill Murray in the classic movie “Groundhog Day,” you’re trapped in an endless loop of marital conflict that you’re powerless to escape.

Conflict In Marriage Is Normal

Nearly every couple enters marriage believing that they are going to live happily ever after, but the reality is that conflict in marriage is inevitable. In fact, marital conflict is normal. The marriage vows say, “for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.” All of those unavoidable life situations will cause conflict. Research by psychologist Dr. John Gottman shows that sixty-nine percent of marital conflicts are unresolvable. So, eliminating conflict from your marriage is unrealistic. The key is to learn to manage marital conflict without becoming disconnected.

The cause of all marital distress is not conflict, but disconnection. When you and your partner are connected in a safe and secure bond, together you can manage whatever conflicts arise. But when that bond gets wounded or broken, you fall into a negative conflict cycle where one confronts and one shuts down, and you get stuck in an ever-escalating cycle. This negative cycle is the enemy. It is the enemy of connection, which is the key to managing marital conflict.

couples counseling - man and woman sitting on couch

The irony is that, during this cycle of negative interactions, both of you are longing for and seeking connection. The attacking, blaming, complaining, criticizing, etc. are clumsy attempts to reach out for your partner and draw him or her close. And the shutting down, going silent, withdrawing, etc. are desperate attempts to keep your partner from further damaging the connection you have. Of course, those moves don’t work, but they’re the only moves you know. You’re caught in a dilemma. The more you confront, the more your partner withdraws.

Every day in couples counseling we see this same negative cycle repeated in couples just like you. You are not weird. You don’t have the worst marriage ever. You are like millions of couples in America who are stuck in a pattern of negative interactions that cripples them from being able to be there for one another in the inevitable better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health.

Couples Counseling helps You Break The Negative conflict Cycle And Reconnect

Because we know what causes your disconnection, in couples counseling we won’t teach you communication techniques or negotiation strategies. We won’t psychoanalyze you or probe your past. We won’t seek solutions to disagreements. We won’t read Scriptures to you and tell you to just go home and do that. We will focus on the core issue of emotional disconnection and help you repair and reconnect at a deeper level where you feel safe and secure in your relationship. Once you have a safe and secure base, the love and caring you long for and pray for will return to your marriage, and in the strength of that loving bond, you will now be equipped to manage your problems.

To achieve this goal, we use a proven therapy model for couples counseling called Emotionally Focused Therapy. EFT focuses on the main issue in troubled relationships: emotional distress. The emotions that arise from unmet or wounded attachment needs fuel beliefs and actions that create the negative cycle we described earlier that keeps you stuck in anxious pursuing and avoidant withdrawing, making you unable to be vulnerable with one another and thus find the connection that you are both seeking.

We are well into our second decade of practicing Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples counseling, and we know from experience that EFT really works if you will work with it. If you will make the commitment, we promise that your therapist will join with you, enter into your experience as a couple, and work as hard as we can to help you create the strong connection that you seek.

With couples counseling, There’s Hope

couples counseling - woman riding piggyback on man's back smiling at each other

If you and your partner are stuck in that endless loop of arguing, criticizing, shutting down, slamming doors, feeling unheard and uncared for, with couples counseling using Emotionally Focused Therapy, there is hope. Coming to this website can be the first step in breaking out of that cycle and finding a deep, secure, safe connection that will be relationship armor for whatever may come. Your EFT therapist is trained in a process that will help you see the negative cycle in your marriage and your roles in it, understand the emotions and attachment needs that are driving it, and share those needs in a way that your partner will receive; and in that sharing and receiving you will repair, reconnect, and rebuild the loving, caring relationship you both long for and need.

That sounds good, but…

“I’m afraid that the counselor will take my partner’s side and blame me for the problems.”

That’s not how good counseling works. If a counselor shames or blames, you should find another counselor. That is bad therapy! In couples counseling using Emotionally Focused Therapy, we don’t look for a bad guy to blame because there is no bad guy. The only enemy is the negative conflict cycle that you and your partner are stuck in. Our focus is on tracking that negative cycle and helping you disrupt it and create a strong, lasting attachment bond.

“GOING TO MARRIAGE THERAPY MEANS THAT WE’VE FAILED.”

That’s one of the lies that shame tells you. Shame says, “If you ask for help, it means you’ve failed as a husband or wife.” Shame is a powerful prison. But, like Jesus said, “The truth will make you free.” The truth is that going to couples counseling doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means you had the wisdom and courage to get your marriage the help it needs. Not getting help would be a failure; getting help is a strategy for success. Winners get help when they need it.

“We can’t afford couples counseling.”

Can you afford a divorce attorney, alimony, child support, etc.? It costs money to see a couples counselor, yes, but it costs a lot more to lose your marriage. Seeing a counselor and fixing your marriage is actually a bargain. Don’t think of it as an expense, but an investment in your marriage that will pay dividends for the rest of your life together.

“We’ve tried counseling before and it didn’t work.”

We hear that a lot. The fact is, most couples counseling focuses on the visible problems of the marriage such as details about the fights, issues with communication, differences of opinion, and so forth. In contrast, couples counseling with Emotionally Focused Therapy focuses on the real problem, the problem of disconnection, and because of that, couples experience a change in their relationship that fosters an atmosphere of connection and healing. While we cannot absolutely 100% guarantee success, we can assure you that because of the proven effectiveness of couples counseling with Emotionally Focused Therapy, your relationship has a better chance of not only surviving, but of thriving when you counsel with an EFT therapist.

Emotionally Focused Therapy Works

Decades of research has shown that distressed couples who do couples counseling with an EFT therapist show change or make significant changes that can last for years. Studies show that 70-75% of couples who go through Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) show change, and 90% of couples show significant improvement, compared to other couples counseling models at about 20%.

SoulCare Counseling Is Unique

We are a Christian counseling center practicing Emotionally Focused Therapy. All of our counselors are Christians. Our counseling model, Emotionally Focused Therapy, fits nicely with the biblical teaching that God created us for connection. If you are looking for Christian counseling and you want to do Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples counseling, we’re one of the few places in North Texas that fits the bill. Also, Dr. Bernis Riley, our clinical director and counseling supervisor, at this writing is one of a very small handful of certified EFT therapists in North Texas.

Take The Next Step

If you’re a couple interested in couples counseling or have any questions about it, you can schedule a free thirty-minute consultation to see if we are a good fit for you. Just use the contact link, call or text 817-808-2606, or email info@soulcarecounselingdfw.com.

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