I am a big fan of the Seinfeld TV show. The character of George Costanza, as Jerry says, needs a team of therapists working on him around the clock. One of his issues is social anxiety, but he inadvertently stumbles upon the solution in the following exchange.
social anxiety in seinfeld, Season 5, Episode 22:
“The Opposite”
George: It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.
Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted... and a cup of tea.
Elaine: Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jerry: You know, chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
George: [Sarcastically] Good for the tuna.
Elaine: Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
George: So, what? What am I supposed to do?
Elaine: Go talk to her.
George: Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Jerry: Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George: Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Jerry: If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George: Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something!
George: [Goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Woman: Oh yes, I was. You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
George: My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Woman: I'm Victoria. Hi.
Social Anxiety Is Powered By Shame
Social anxiety is a protective device that goes too far. Normal, useful anxiety is good. It is that little censor in your head that keeps you from saying or doing hurtful or offensive things. But it can go too far and stop you from trying for the job you want or from going over to talk to someone new. Social anxiety is powered by shame, that fear being rejected or viewed as not good enough. It’s what caused George to say, “Bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.” His social anxiety fueled by shame created in him that negative self-image and the expectation that others would view him the same way. He avoided rejection by never risking. But he was also missing out on the life he wanted.
to battle social anxiety The Secret Is,
Do The Opposite
Some people are able to manage social anxiety’s voice of shame and at some point, dismiss it and do what they want. But others hear that voice, and they believe it and obey it. The secret is to do what George stumbled upon in the diner that day. Do the opposite.
The voice of social anxiety says, “Don’t risk or you will be rejected and everyone will see you for the loser you know you are.” The hidden message is that, to be accepted and loved, you must be perfect. Anxiety drives perfectionism by saying, “People will only like you if you’re perfect.” The truth is that no one likes a perfectionist. Getting close to a perfectionist is like hugging a statue. They’re not “real.” People prefer people who are flawed like they are, people who are real.
So, when your social anxiety tells you not to risk, do the opposite and risk. When it tells you not to be yourself, do the opposite and on purpose be as “yourself” as you can. Yes, there is the risk that you might get rejected and made to feel “less than,” and anyone who makes you feel that way has issues of their own that have nothing to do with you. But chances are better that you won’t be rejected, that the other person will find you relatable, likeable, and genuine.
By embracing yourself and accepting the possibility of rejection, you will disarm your anxiety and shame. So, the next time your social anxiety pulls you back and says, “Don’t risk,” do the opposite. Victoria just might smile and say “Hi.”
If you are struggling with social anxiety, we can help to do the opposite. I encourage you to read about anxiety treatment, and then reach out to us and schedule a free thirty-minute consultation.
Dr. Bernis Riley holds a Doctor of Psychology degree, is a Licensed Professional Counselor – Supervisor, and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is the Clinical Director/Supervisor.