Whenever I receive a call requesting family therapy, I know it took courage for the family to make such a decision. While I know that Emotionally Focused Therapy is very effective for helping families move out of distress and into connection, I also know that people tend to resist family therapy. They are stuck in a cycle of conflict and disconnection, and don’t know how to get themselves free. This causes unnecessary shame, guilt, anger, and embarrassment. So, they invent excuses, objections, and family therapy myths.
family therapy Myth #1:
“We can fix this ourselves.”
People see other families who have it all together think that they should be able to do the same. this is a family therapy myth. What they see from the outside isn’t always the reality with other families. Families are good at hiding their problems and putting on a good face for the world. But all families have problems, and often there are generational family dynamics and ways of relating and behaving that make it nearly impossible to solve problems without outside help.
family therapy Myth #2:
“Going to family therapy is admitting failure.”
Family therapy myths are fueled by shame that lies and says, “If you ask for help, it means you’ve failed as a father, mother, son, or daughter.” Shame is a powerful prison. But, like Jesus said, “The truth will make you free.” The truth is that going to family therapy doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means you had the wisdom and courage to get your family the help it needs. Not getting help would be a failure; getting help is a strategy for success. Every winning athlete has a coach!
family therapy Myth #3:
“the parents will get blamed.”
Maybe you’ve seen that in a movie or on TV, but that’s a family therapy myth. It’s not how counseling actually works. If any counselor does that, they should be drummed out of the profession. Counselors should not shame or blame. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, there is only one enemy: the negative conflict cycle that the clients are stuck in. And we work with families to identify that cycle, understand their true needs, and communicate them in a way that will be received. When that happens, families reconnect and, in that connection, they can solve any problem.
family therapy Myth #4:
“Only weak or crazy people go to counseling.”
Actually, only crazy people believe that only crazy people go to counseling. I’m being facetious, but this excuse is nonsensical. It takes no effort or intelligence to let things keep rolling downhill. But it takes effort, intelligence, wisdom, and courage to admit there’s a problem, get help, and do the work it takes to turn things around. People who go to counseling are smart!
family therapy Myth #5:
“If we start therapy, we’ll be in it forever.”
We hear celebrities talk about being in therapy for years, and we think that’s the norm. It’s not. I don’t know who they’re going to, but good therapy has a beginning, a middle, and an end. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we have a definite roadmap that we follow with three stages and nine steps. Family therapy takes the least time of any therapy we do.
family therapy Myth #6:
“It’s too hard to get our whole family there.”
Your whole family probably won’t be asked to attend every session. Some sessions will be with the whole family, and some sessions will be with one or two members of the family. But whether it’s the whole family or one member of the family, the goals and process are the same.
family therapy Myth #7:
“I already know everything everyone will say.”
People think that because they’ve already argued and fought and said the same things a thousand times, that they already know what the others are thinking and feeling. The truth is that because there has been arguing and fighting, no one has openly, vulnerably, honestly shared their true feelings and thoughts. There hasn’t been safety to be able to do that. Family Therapy provides a safe place to share what hasn’t been shared and discover what is unknown.
If you and your family are struggling to communicate and connect, we can help. I encourage you to read about family therapy, and take the first step toward healing by contacting us today for a free thirty-minute consultation.
Dr. Bernis Riley holds a Doctor of Psychology degree, is a Licensed Professional Counselor – Supervisor, and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is the Clinical Director/Supervisor at SoulCare Counseling.