The traditional Christmas carol, “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” has a line about “comfort and joy.” Yet ironically, the holidays are a time of stress for many. In 2018, a company that makes heartburn medicine surveyed 2,000 American adults and found that 88% reported feeling stressed during the holidays. A 2022 poll by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) of 2,209 U.S. adults found that a third (31%) said they expect to feel stressed this holiday season. That is a 9% increase over the same poll last year. Holiday stress comes from a variety of sources such as gift-giving, travel, and overeating. But one of the most common stressors during the holidays is family drama. Perhaps because we are already stressed by the other factors, we tend to be more sensitive to the things that family members can do that set us off. So, here are four tips for managing family stress during the holidays:
PracticING family Stress-Busting
Strategies HELPS
One thing that all people have in common is that we have a physical reaction to stress before we recognize the emotion that causes it. Some primary emotion is the driver of your physical response. For example, you may feel tight in your chest, sick to your stomach, or shaky. Those are manifestations of primary emotions like fear, anger, sadness, shame, or disgust. When you start to feel those “stress feelings” in your body, try to identify what deep, vulnerable emotions might have been triggered to make your body respond that way. At SoulCare Counseling, we can help you to develop this skill and work through your attachment strategy and the emotions that trigger it.
Families have a way of pushing the buttons that set off alarm bells in your brain that say you are not safe, triggering those kinds of primary emotions and then the physical responses that you have learned since childhood to get to a safe place. If you feel yourself getting flooded by your family, step out of the room to a quiet place like the backyard or bathroom and use some techniques that can break the stress. Try counting backwards from 100, humming a favorite tune, tapping your knees in rhythm, taking some deep belly breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, or praying. These simple techniques can shift your brain and body out of the fight, flight, or freeze mode, thus reducing family stress.
You can also head off family stress at the pass by taking better care of yourself during the holidays. Little things like getting a full night’s sleep, staying hydrated, eating healthy foods, and spending some time in the fresh air and sunshine will give your body the resources it needs to cope with the stressors when they come.
ManagING Expectations LOWERS FAMILY STRESS
The holidays tend to be a time of unrealistic expectations. Our culture puts pressure on us and we put pressure on ourselves to be perfect at this time of year. We think that we have to decorate our homes perfectly, buy the perfect gifts, send the perfect holiday cards, observe all the traditions, attend all the parties, etc. The truth is that Christmas isn’t about us; it’s about the Child in the manger. Jesus tends to get lost in the wrappings and trappings of Christmas. We get so stressed about doing the season right that we forget about the reason for the season and just being grateful that “God so loved the world that He gave His only Son.” Everything beyond that is secondary.
When it comes to the secondary things like decorating, gift-giving, traveling, etc., it will help to manage expectations in advance. When it comes to gift-giving, it’s a good idea to talk with your family well before Christmas (such as at Thanksgiving) and set some rules for who gives gifts to whom, how much to spend, when you will open gifts, etc. Many families with adult children choose to spend most of their budget on gifts for the children and give one gift to the couple. It is a common practice to draw names at Thanksgiving so that everyone receives a gift but the financial burden of giving every family member a gift like you did when you were a teenager are lifted. You can also talk about your travel plans. If you are like most families, you alternate holidays with your parents/siblings and those of your spouse. Laying this out on the table of who is going to be where can reduce some stressors before they come up. Also, you might also ask yourself why you are visiting your family during the holidays. Is it because you want to or is it because someone else wants you to? If it’s the latter, maybe a long visit isn’t a good idea. If so, you could set an expectation in advance of when you need to “get back home.”
SetTING Boundaries can reduce family stress
If you wait until the conversation at the dinner table gets out of control to try to set boundaries, it will be too late. Your family has its own issues that, when they come up, trigger stress and conflict. Sit down and make a game plan for what things make you feel good and what things make you feel uncomfortable. Then set boundaries around those things and communicate them with your family. This can include things like travel arrangements, to mealtimes and dietary requirements (vegan, gluten-free, etc.), to sleeping arrangements, to gift-giving, to topics that are off-limits. Healthy boundaries help reduce stress and give you a sense of control. If family members cross those boundaries, especially with verbal abuse, criticism, emotional manipulation, etc., limit the time you spend with them to shorter, more manageable doses.
Managing Conflict can check FAMILY STRESS
Try to avoid conflict, but where it can’t be avoided, try to manage it. Here are a few ideas for managing conflict with your family this holiday:
Plan an exit-strategy.
Before you arrive, you and your spouse should discuss how much time you are spending with the family this year and what conversations/behaviors are off-limits. Agree on a signal that it’s time to “get back home.” It could be a wink, a hand gesture, a certain word or phrase.
Respectfully decline hot topics.
Someone said, “Opinions are like armpits; everyone has them and some of them stink.” If someone’s opinions start to upset you, you can say, “I love you and I respect your opinion, but could we put this on hold and talk about something else?”
Give unsolicited advice the consideration it deserves.
You don’t have to take all the advice you’re given. You can listen, nod your head, say, “That’s interesting,” and go on your merry way. But if someone knows what they’re talking about and gives you good advice, hurray! Maybe you got a great stock tip, or medical advice from your uncle who’s a doctor. Great! But cousin Bubba who doesn’t know anything about anything…well, just smile and say “That’s interesting.” It relieves stress knowing you don’t have to take all the advice you get.
Know your buttons.
Unless you have been intentional about establishing adult relationships with your parents and siblings, you might tend to fall back into the same patterns you had when you were growing up. If that’s the case, your older brother can still make you feel small and inadequate, or your sister can still challenge you and make you feel like you have to prove yourself. Practice in advance how you will handle it when that family member pushes your buttons, and try not to push their buttons either.
When things get heated, say “I” not “you.”
When your feelings are bruised by a family member, saying, “You never,” or “You always,” never makes things better. “You” statements come across as attacks. Instead, use “I” statements and talk about what you are feeling. No one can argue that you are not feeling what you are feeling. Instead of saying, “You love correcting me and making me look foolish,” say, “When you correct me in front of people, I feel embarrassed, like I got caught in a lie.” While “you” statements can escalate conflict, “I” statements help de-escalate conflict by giving the other person an opportunity to share his/her own feelings and needs without being on the defensive.
Families are wonderful but they can also be tricky. With brother and sister-in-laws, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, and all the rest plus the added stress of the holidays, it can be hard. If you are struggling with family issues, I urge you to read about family therapy, and then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling to schedule a free consultation to get you started on the road to a less stressful life.
Stacey Sunny is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate under the supervision of Dr. Bernis Riley, LPC-S. She holds a Bachelor of Science in Psychology degree from the University of Texas at Dallas and a Master's Degree of Arts in Licensed Professional Counseling degree from Dallas Baptist University.