What would you guess is the most common mental health problem in America? It’s anxiety disorders. The most common call that we get as SoulCare Counseling is for help with anxiety. 40 million Americans over 18 suffer with some form of anxiety disorder every year. That’s over 18% of the population.
One form of anxiety is fear. Do an internet search of “phobias” (the Greek word for “fear”). There’s a long list: fear of disease (nosophobia), fear of financial difficulty (chrometophobia), fear of change (metathesiophobia), fear of the unknown (xenophobia), fear of people (anthrophobia), fear of places (agoraphobia), fear of failure (atychiphobia), and the list goes on. Then there are social fears such as fear of disapproval, rejection, judgment, rejection, mistreatment, etc. There are lots of fears.
Some fear is healthy and motivates us to be careful with our choices, serious about our work, wise with our money, kind in our relationships, and reverent toward our God, which are all good things. But when fear takes control of your life, that’s not good. So, here are five warning signs that fear has taken control and is running your life. This is when it’s time to get help.
sign #1 that fear is running your life:
Rule-setting
Making rules is one way fear seeks to control life. Every rule or policy is there because of a fear that something that went wrong will go wrong again. In the Bible, because of Israel’s idolatry 10 of their 12 tribes were taken captive and never seen again. The survivors’ fear response was to make hundreds of rules, which the Scribes and Pharisees rigidly enforced. The rules took control of their lives so that they became critical, judgmental, and intolerant to the point that they rejected the Son of God. If you have a lot of rules, if you are rigid and see your way as the only correct way to do things, you’ll find that if you dig underneath your rules, it is fear that created them, fear that drives them. Rule-setting is a major way that fear is running your life. And the more extreme the rules, the more fear there is.
Sign #2 that fear is running your life:
Rushing to Resolution
When fear is running your life, the unknown is unacceptable. It’s seen as a disaster waiting to happen. So, fear drives you to resolve the unknown as soon as possible, force uncertainty into certainty, make a plan, find a solution, get this mess organized.
Why? What would happen if you set out on a trip with no itinerary, no agenda, and like Indiana Jones, make it up as you go along? What if you quit your job, moved to another city and started a new venture (which is exactly how SoulCare Counseling was started, by the way)? What if, instead of giving up on your marriage, you went to counseling and wrote a different ending for your story? When fear is running your life, it says, “You can’t make any change or movement in your life without a guarantee, without a plan, without certainty. if you did, the world would end! The sky would fall! You have to put the pretty maids all in a row, dot the I’s and cross the T’s, or it’s the end of the world as we know it!” But what if your fear is wrong? Think of all that your fear is keeping you from because your best life is on the other side of a road through the unknown.
sign #3 that fear is running your life:
Anxiety
Anxiety is a huge sign that fear is running your life. Anxiety is a manifestation of fear. In a way, anxiety is a fear of fear. It’s an avoidance mechanism to keep us from feeling strong emotions like fear, anger, sadness, disgust, surprise, disappointment, inadequacy. It’s easier to just be jittery, stressed, nervous, apprehensive, and irritable than to deal with the emotion driving the anxiety. If you had a trauma in your past, anxiety says not to feel the fear of the trauma in your past but to project the fear onto what’s happening now and it makes your flashback fear about now or who you’re with now. That means you end up making decisions for today based on your past fear. That never makes life better. The answer is to let a trained counselor help you deal with the underlying fear or whatever emotion is driving your anxiety.
Sign #4 that fear is running your life:
Depression
Behind anxiety, depression is another huge warning that fear is running your life. Like anxiety, depression is a defense mechanism to keep you safe. Depression gives the illusion of safety by becoming small and hiding. And it’s often driven by fear. When you’re about to take a new opportunity and step out to do something new but unknown, sometimes depression falls on you to keep you safe by stopping you from trying something that could end in disaster. Depression tells you the same thing anxiety tells you: “You need to have certainty, or it’ll be the apocalypse.” Someone said, “Depression is a way that we punish ourselves in anticipation of being punished by others or by life.”
sign #4 that fear is running your life:
Procrastination
A classic fear-response is to put off what we fear. We start something, but don’t finish it. This seems to be especially so if it’s something new, something that’s an adventure, something that we don’t know how it will turn out. Maybe we’re afraid of the results. What if we fail, or succeed but face disapproval or criticism? Fear says that it’s easier to leave our plans in limbo than either of those two outcomes. Or maybe it’s not fear of the outcome, but fear of the work. What’s the old saying? “The only place that success comes before work is in the dictionary.” But if you look underneath your procrastination, I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t fear that’s creating it.
If you’re overwhelmed and your life seems to be out of control, maybe it’s because fear has taken control. Fear is a good servant, but it’s a terrible master. As long as it’s in balance and you’re using it to make good choices in life, that’s fine. But if fear is driving your life, you need help. I urge you to read about anxiety treatment and when you are ready, reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling to help you break the hold of fear on your life.
Dr. Bernis Riley holds a Doctor of Psychology degree and is a Licensed Professional Counselor - Supervisor. She is also certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is taking new clients.