Emotionally Focused Therapy is not only effective for individuals and couples, but also for families in distress. Family conflict, like couple conflict, is made up of cycles of negative interactions which are triggered by emotions damaged when our need to feel close and connected to our family gets threatened or rejected. Therefore, the problem is not problems communicating, parenting mistakes, or bad blood between parents and children, although those things may also be present. The problem is rooted in attachment needs for safety and security in the family relationship. Emotionally Focused Therapy is designed to restore the family bond by addressing the attachment needs at its core. You might wonder what happens in emotionally focused family therapy?
What Won’t Happen In Emotionally Focused Family Therapy
Before we talk about what will happen in Emotionally Focused Family Therapy, let’s talk about what will not happen. You might have some fears based on false expectations or bad past experiences. Emotionally Focused Therapy is not like other therapy models, so let’s put some fears to rest.
Blame will not be assigned.
The only “bad guy” is the negative conflict cycle that has your family trapped. The EFT therapist will never place blame on the parents or the children. Instead, the problem will be framed in attachment terms and you will see that your distress is normal given the attachment crisis that is taking place. Any “bad behavior” is caused, not by the other family members but by the struggle to have a safe and secure harbor in your family bond. When a person reaches out for closeness or support, and they are met with resistance or perceived rejection, their survival mechanism goes into overdrive and the negative conflict cycle kicks in. At that point, family members play pre-scripted roles that they learned in childhood. The solution is not placing blame, but identifying the negative cycle and the attachment needs driving it.
Fights will not be allowed.
Your family doesn’t need to learn to “fight fair.” You already know how to get stuck in your negative cycle and escalate with it. The EFT therapist is not going to waste your time and money letting your family “get into it” as usual. If that happens, the therapist will stop you, slow things down, and help you identify and share your feelings in a way that you will be heard and your unmet attachment needs will be met. This always diffuses the negative cycle and, when you get good at identifying and sharing your attachment needs and emotions, will stop the cycle before it starts.
COmmunication techniques will not be taught.
Many counselors spend a lot of time teaching better communication skills. In EFT, we never do because the emotions that trigger the negative cycle happen in the brain in a nano-second in which the frontal cortex which controls rational thought and communication goes offline and the fight, flight, or freeze response takes over. By the time you’re calm enough to use a new communication skill, the damage is done. The reason you have trouble communicating with your family members isn’t because you don’t know how to communicate, but because you’re caught by that negative cycle of reactions, unspoken emotions, and confusing coping mechanisms that you automatically use to try to get your needs met.
What Will Happen In Emotionally Focused Family Therapy
Hopefully, we’ve laid to rest some of your fears about family therapy with Emotionally Focused Therapy. So, now let’s talk about the wonderful things that will happen in Emotionally Focused Family Therapy.
Family members will strengthen their listening skills.
If the issues are between parents and children, which is usually the case in family therapy, since the parents are expected to be mature and able to regulate their emotions, the EFT therapist will help them learn to resist their go-to reactive responses to their children and listen for their children’s feelings and needs. Of course, children must do their part and take emotional risks to connect with their parents.
new emotional experiences WILL foster connection.
Research shows that people don’t use newly learned communication skills during an argument because when we become upset, our gut reactions happen too fast to remember good communication techniques. So, instead of teaching you skills that you won’t remember in the heat of the moment anyway, the EFT therapist will walk you through new, positive emotional interactions with your family that will build a safe, secure, close bond. Once you have this bond, you won’t need to use careful communication because when you have a safe, secure, strong connection, you don’t have to be careful to speak like a diplomat.
You will feel relief and reconnection with your family.
Honest, EFT is hard work, harder than just learning communication skills, or how to validate or reflect, but it is also rewarding because it works. It actually “removes the splinter” of disconnection, and once you re-connect with your family and are able to have that assurance of understanding, acceptance, and safety, there will be a tremendous sense of joy. The work will be worth the reward and reconnection. When children are able to turn to their parents and have real and vulnerable conversations that don’t result in a escalating arguments or sullen withdrawals, it is a beautiful, healthy thing. A new positive pattern of bonding, closeness, and understanding will make you feel that you have a new family.
TREATMENT WILL be fairly short.
No two families are the same, but usually EFT with families happens weekly or bi-weekly over four to twelve sessions that last from one to two hours each.
If your family is caught in a negative conflict cycle and you need help getting unstuck and re-connected, I urge you to read about family therapy with EFT. Then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling to schedule a free thirty-minute consultation to get your family started on the way to regaining your strong family bond.
Kelly Heard is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist - Associate at SoulCare Counseling. She is under the supervision of Shaun Burrow, Ph.D., LMFT - Supervisor and LPC - Supervisor. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.