I recall a couple I did marriage counseling with when I first started as a counselor. They had a very reactive attack/attack negative cycle. But because I was inexperienced and not trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, I didn’t know then what I know now: anxiety impacts your relationship by fueling the fire of the negative cycle. If what I just said doesn’t make sense to you, read on. It will.
anxiety impacts your relationship by
fueling the negative cycle
How does anxiety impact your relationship? Here is a typical example: Susie starts to feel anxious about talking to her husband Ricky about something that is important to her such as finances. Susie needs financial stability to feel a sense of safety in the relationship because in the past there have been betrayals of trust in the area of finances. Susie begins to feel worried about a bill not getting paid on time or not having enough money to pay it. Anxiety pops up around this uncertainty and she asks Ricky about the bill. Ricky detects anxiety in Susie through her tone, intensity of voice, facial expression, or the wording of her questions. At this point, Ricky begins to feel defensive, so he responds with frustration and shortness. Susie hears Ricky’s frustration and tells herself that he does not care that she is worried and in fact, he doesn’t care about her. That makes Susie feel hurt, dismissed, and unimportant to Ricky, which causes her to get angry and lash out at him. Ricky feels attacked and defends himself, attacking back. This attack/defend pattern goes several rounds until Ricky finally shuts down and walks away.
when anxiety impacts your relationship,
Learning Better Communication won’t help
When anxiety impacts your relationship, the root problem has nothing to do with the typical things that most marriage counselors focus on such as communication. If communication was the problem, the solution would simply be, “Susie should ask Ricky about the bills in a less accusatory way without ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements,” or, “Ricky should respond with ‘feeling’ statements.” But that ignores what’s really going on underneath this conflict, which is the impact of Suzie’s anxiety.
Susie’s anxiety is triggered by uncertainty about security financially, then is further increased by the absence of comfort from Ricky. When Susie goes to Ricky to ask about the bill, what she is really saying is: “I’m scared that we aren’t going to have enough money and I need your reassurance that we do; but even if we don’t, I need your assurance that it’s going to be okay.” The problem is that Susie doesn’t communicate her fear clearly to Ricky, so he doesn’t know what it is that Susie needs. Ricky hears, “You’re messing up; you’re getting it wrong; you’re failing me.” And the more Ricky tries to explain to Susie about why he did what he did or didn’t do, the more Susie hears defensiveness and excuses, which only causes her more anxiety.
Obviously, Ricky and Susie need clearer communication but the main problem is that the anxiety within Susie shuts down her frontal cortex that controls reason and prevents her from clearly communicating what her fears are. When Ricky senses the anxiety in her, his own anxiety at being unable to stop the impending conflict gets triggered. In order for this couple to not get caught in the negative cycle, the only solution is for the anxiety to be brought out into the open.
anxiety impacts your relationship
through your Need For Safety And Security
Why does anxiety impact your relationship by triggering the negative cycle? Because of what anxiety is. Anxiety is a fear that you won’t be safe and protected. When we feel that we won’t be safe and protected, we do all sorts of things to be safe. It is why we think we need “more”. “More” is a hedge of protection against not having enough because not having enough means we might not be safe and protected.
There is an inner voice, particularly in couple relationships, that says, “You won’t be kept safe because you are not worthy of love. And if you’re not worthy of love, you’ll be rejected or abandoned.” So, when your partner either responds negatively or not at all, your fear of rejection and abandonment, which is rooted in the belief that you’re not worthy, is confirmed. The pain of this unworthiness is agonizing and demands attention. So, you angrily lash out. But what you don’t realize that when you lash out in anger is that your anger is masking the hurt you feel inside. Your partner also doesn’t realize that you are afraid and hurting; he or she just hears and sees the anger. And that anger makes him or her feel hurt and afraid and so that he or she either withdraws or fights back. As a result, a negative conflict cycle gets started.
What Can Be Done about
anxiety’s impact on your relationship?
The solution is to recognize that it’s okay to feel anxious. Giving yourself permission to have anxiety may help you to not act out in frustration or anger when feeling anxious. Talk with your spouse about what is making you anxious. If the thought of talking about your anxiety makes you anxious, then tell your spouse that you are feeling anxious about talking about something that is causing anxiety. If you are able to tell your spouse about your anxiety, be very clear about what you are anxious about and why. Sometimes the negative cycle is so reactive that we are not able to talk about much of anything, let alone our anxiety. If so, reach out to one of our counselors here at SoulCare Counseling for help.
If you or your partner need anxiety treatment, I encourage you to reach out to us for a free thirty-minute consultation. We can help you work through the anxiety in your relationship that keeps you from being able to connect.
Dr. Bernis Riley holds a Doctor of Psychology degree, is a Licensed Professional Counselor – Supervisor, and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is the Clinical Director/Supervisor at SoulCare Counseling, and is currently accepting new clients.