Sometimes you hear people say, “We tried marriage counseling and it didn’t work.” Their conclusion is that all marriage counseling is the same and doesn’t work, at least not for them. The truth is that there are many different kinds of couples therapy with varying degrees of success, but one stands out as the gold standard of couple therapy.
As a therapist who wants to effectively help couples save their marriages, I searched for the best, most effective couple therapy model, and I found it. It is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and it works so well that there is no comparison. No other therapy model has been researched and proven as much as EFT. Since the mid-80’s study after study has found that a whopping 90% of couples who go through Emotionally Focused Therapy significantly improve their relationship, and 70-75% of couples move out of relationship distress after finishing therapy. The closest couples therapy model only has a 35% success rate, and it goes down from there.
what makes emotionally focused
couples therapy different?
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy starts at the root of the problem, which is not poor communication or conflict management skills like most marriage counseling models focus on. The root of the problem is disconnection. Couples get stuck in a negative cycle, a repeating pattern of conflict characterized by one partner anxiously pursuing through attacking, criticizing, blaming, and the other partner avoidantly withdrawing through shutting down, going silent, leaving. Both partners long for closeness, but in the end feel misunderstood and alone. Instead of teaching communication or conflict resolution skills, Emotionally Focused Therapy works with couples to break their negative cycle and reconnect in a safe and secure bond that empowers them to become more resilient for life’s challenges.
We know from research dating back to the 1930’s that human beings are literally hard-wired to seek attachment, especially with a primary relationship. We need that attachment like we need oxygen, so when we sense a threat to our connection, we feel a primary, vulnerable emotion like fear or sadness. But because those emotions are scary, our brain instantly replaces them with reactive secondary emotions like anger or coldness and we attack or withdraw as a coping mechanism.
Here's what happens: your partner criticizes you. Your primary emotion of fear or sadness is triggered and immediately given a meaning: “I’m not good enough; I’m not worthy of love.” That is too scary to admit or face, so your brain turns on your irritation or your coldness and you lash back at your partner or shut down and leave. This is the negative cycle at work. It happens in a nano-second and repeats itself over and over in an infinity loop that you can’t break out of on your own, not with all the communication skills and conflict resolution skills in the world because in that nano-second, your frontal cortex, your center of logic and reason, has gone offline and emotions are in control.
This is where an EFT therapist can help. In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, we help you to see your negative cycle fueled by emotion, and how to break it. We can literally reprogram your brain by exploring your negative cycle and the emotions at work in it. We will elicit those emotions and write a new script in which you can risk sharing your softer primary emotions in a way that your partner will receive. Vulnerability has a way of calling out compassion in your partner to respond to your deepest needs for intimacy. As we do this work, your emotional bond is repaired and your connection is reestablished. This is what sets Emotionally Focused Therapy apart from the other couples therapy models.
emotionally focused couples therapy works
The reason most couples therapy models don’t work is because they focus on the symptoms and not the cause. Most of them focus on learning new behaviors and better ways to speak to one another that is less provocative. But that’s like rearranging furniture on the Titanic. When we perceive that our attachment bond is threatened and our primary emotions get wounded, the reason center of our brain goes offline so that whatever behaviors and communication techniques we learned in counseling disappear and we just do whatever coping mechanisms we learned when we were growing up.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we don’t focus on the window dressing. Your behavior and communication will fix itself when you have a safe and secure connection. We focus on your underlying attachment needs and the emotions that drive the negative cycle. And it’s amazing how resilient you become when the negative cycle is broken and you have a strong attachment bond with your partner.
Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, conducted a study in which women in an unhappy marriage were given an electric shock while holding their husbands’ hands. They reported that it was painful. Then they went through EFT couple therapy, after which they repeated the experience, but this time the women reported that it was only uncomfortable, and brain scans showed that the pain centers of their brains were, indeed, less active.
That’s the power of a secure attachment. When your relationship is a safe and secure haven, it makes the pain and stresses of life more manageable. Not only will your relationship be more satisfying, but your whole life will improve. Such is the power of love. Like the old Jerry Reed song, “A Thing Called Love,” says, “It can lift you up, it can let you down, take your world and turn it all around. Ever since time, nothing’s ever been found stronger than love.”
If you and your partner are caught in a negative cycle and want help to break free and regain the closeness you once had, I encourage you to read more about the gold standard of couples therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and reach out to schedule a free thirty-minute consultation.
Dr. Bernis Riley holds a Doctor of Psychology degree and is a Licensed Professional Counselor - Supervisor. She is also certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is taking new clients.