We all know how birds learn to fly. When the time is right, the mother bird pushes her young out of the nest so they will fly on their own. But what is natural in mother birds is hard for human mothers and fathers.
coping with an empty nest is hard
because it’s hard to let go
Sometimes adult children have a hard time letting go. There are adult children in their thirties who still live with their parents. The Matthew McConaughey – Sarah Jessica Parker comedy, “Failure To Launch,” is based on this premise. More commonly, it is the parents who have a hard time letting go and facing their empty nest. When our oldest son left home to attend Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee, 1,000 miles away from our home in Odessa, Texas, my husband and I both had a meltdown on the airplane as we departed for home without him. It took a couple of weeks to go through a day without a lump in the throat and tears in the eyes.
if you’re coping with an empty nest,
here’s some encouragement
Whether it is watching your child walk from the car to their first day of school as a first grader or watching him or her wave goodbye as you leave them at a huge university, the feelings and thoughts are the same. You wonder if you adequately prepared them to handle the challenges of life. You hope the values you taught them will hold against the many temptations they will face. You pray that they will be wise, capable, brave, and kind. You wonder who they will find to be there for them when they are sad, angry, afraid, or hurt.
As you’re coping with an empty nest, it's easy to go to the dark side and think that you didn’t do enough, you didn’t teach enough, and you weren’t enough. But here’s some light: you’re not the only influence in your child’s life. There were, are, and will always be other people that God puts in their path who will love them too, who will teach them, who will be there for them. And by the way, you did a better job than you think. Instead of dwelling on what you didn’t do, think about what you did do. You did the best you could with what you had, and your best was good enough. You raised an awesome young adult! Cover them with prayer every day, trust them to God, and don’t worry.
if you’re coping with an empty nest,
Now is time to do some things for you
Now that you have an empty nest and your child is out there becoming the man or woman that you prepared them to become, take some time for yourself. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself now. Focus on your marriage and invest in one another. This chapter of your marriage can be the best yet. While the kids were home, you often didn’t have time for one another; but you have that time now. Go do the things you always wanted to do. You have the time, and you probably have the money now that your household expenses are lessened by fewer mouths to feed, clothes to buy, etc. Join a gym and get in shape, lose weight and buy a new wardrobe. Focus on your spiritual life. Start a daily quiet time reading Scripture and praying, if you don’t already have that habit. Listen to inspiring podcasts. Get plugged in to a good church and surround yourself with friends that you can be yourself with, who don’t judge or criticize you but encourage and support you.
while you’re coping with an empty nest,
Give them space, but stay connected
And just because you have an empty next and your kids don’t live with you doesn’t mean they don’t love you. You’re still one of the most important people in the world to them. They want to connect with you. And now that they are adults, you get to move from parent/child to friends. When they lived at home, you were the parent whose job was to discipline and correct them and keep them in line constantly. You were preparing them for adulthood. But now that they are adults, that’s not your role anymore. Now you get to be their friend. And I’ll tell you a secret, being a friend is more fun. You get to just enjoy them. Resist the urge to control or smother them. Give them breathing room to make their own decisions and be who they are. But by all means, be in their life. Visit them when they have the time. In between visits, Facetime and text with them. Give them space, but stay connected. You’ll find that your new adult relationship with your kids in this next chapter of life is a wonderful adventure, and your life is far from over. It’s just begun.
If you are struggling with an empty nest or other family issues, this may be a good time to consider family therapy. I encourage you to reach out to us today and schedule a free thirty-minute consultation. There is help and there is hope if you’ll take that first step.
Dr. Bernis Riley holds a Doctor of Psychology degree, is a Licensed Professional Counselor – Supervisor, and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is the Clinical Director and Counseling Supervisor at SoulCare Counseling.