I am technologically challenged. When my cell phone or computer starts acting up, all I know to do is restart it. After that, I have no idea what to do. But I know that I can take it to a repair shop where they can do what needs to be done, and when I pick it up it will be working like it should. Wouldn’t it be great if we could do that with our children, just drop them off at a counselor’s office and pick them up all fixed and acting better?
if your child needs counseling,
The family system is the key
I regularly get phone calls that begin with, “My child needs counseling.” While I know that the parent is hoping a counselor can “fix” their child, I also know that 99.9% of the time, it’s the family system and not the child alone that needs attention. I heard a wise counselor say once, “If the flower is unhealthy, tend the flower bed.” Our children are not isolated; they are insulated. In other words, they are surrounded by a larger system of family, friendships, school, church and the change that has taken place in them often has taken place within that system. So, for change to take place, in many cases the counseling work needs to address the child’s most impactful relationships. The number one most impactful relationship system for any child is their family system.
If your child is in pain, the way out of that pain is to work with their family system. While the whole family may not need to be involved in every session, at least some work needs to be done with the child’s major relationships present.
if your child needs counseling,
there is Healing in connection
If your child needs counseling, the logical questions are, “Why does your child need counseling?” and “What is the best way to bring healing?” We know through research in Emotionally Focused Therapy that anger, sadness, rebelling, arguing, fighting, pulling away, etc. are symptoms of disconnection. Therefore, healing can only come through repair and reconnection where members are able to understand what is causing their disconnection and communicate their deepest needs in ways that will be warmly received. Once that begins to happen, strong, secure, close attachment bonds will re-form and the problem behavior will change as a result.
If you are ready to help your child through family therapy, I urge you to reach out to us and schedule a free thirty-minute consultation with one of our therapists. We can help your child by helping your family.
Dr. Bernis Riley holds a Doctor of Psychology degree, is a Licensed Professional Counselor – Supervisor, and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is the Clinical Director/Supervisor at SoulCare Counseling.