One thing that everyone is glad for when they finally finish school is that there’s no more homework. What’s the old rhyme? “No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks.” But that isn’t true. Though it’s not called “homework,” many careers require work done at home. Even in couples counseling, there will be some homework. Hopefully, there will be no dirty looks, but part of your therapy will include homework assignments.
Emotionally Focused Therapy Is Experiential, so there is couples counseling homework
The kind of therapy we do at SoulCare Counseling is Emotionally Focused Therapy. If you don’t know about EFT, I encourage you to check out some of the many blogs we have about it on this website. One of the things about EFT that makes it unique from other therapy models is that it is experiential. Other counseling models like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy focus on changing behavior by changing beliefs and erroneous thinking, but EFT focuses on the emotions that drive behavior.
In EFT, we help you access the primary emotions that get triggered when your connection to your key relationship is threatened or damaged. These emotions drive your (often) dysfunctional efforts to re-establish connection: strident pursuing in the form of nagging, complaining, criticizing, clinging or avoidant withdrawing in the form of shutting down, going silent, leaving. These behaviors are part of what we call “the negative cycle,” that cycle of conflict that couples get into that spiral out of control with one partner attacking and the other withdrawing (the most common pattern), or both partners attacking, or both partners withdrawing.
In couple therapy sessions, we work to help you access your negative cycle and the emotions and experiences that drive it, and we then practice responding in a new way that literally rewires your brain and reconnects your relationship. But the work in the office is enhanced by practicing those new skills outside of the therapy room. So, for that reason your therapist will assign couples counseling homework.
What is couples counseling Homework?
Here are some of the kinds of things I and other EFT therapists will assign for you to do at home:
Learn More About Emotionally Focused Therapy
It is pretty normal for us to ask you to read about the principles behind Emotionally Focused Therapy so that you understand what is driving your negative interactions and keeping your in disconnection. Two of the best books for laymen about EFT are “Hold Me Tight,” by Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator and founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, and “Created for Connection,” by Dr. Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sanderfer, which is basically “Hold Me Tight” adapted for Christians. We always assign “Created For Connection.” It’s very easy to read and really helps you grasp what is going on in your relationship and how to repair it. Couples who have read either of those books get more out of therapy.
Get In Touch With Your Emotions
In a pre-counseling consultation, a man said, “I’m not emotional. I’m just logical.” Actually, unless you were born on the planet Vulcan…if you’re a human being, you are emotional. You might not be very good at accessing or being aware of your emotions, but you definitely have them and they drive your behaviors just like they do everyone else on the planet. Your therapist will work with you to start noticing the sensations you’re feeling when you get distressed. You will be asked questions like, “Where do you feel it in your body?” You probably never thought about it, but you feel something when you get distressed…maybe a tension in your chest, a queasy feeling in your stomach, or shaking in your legs. Being aware of your body sensations when you are distressed will help you realize what’s going on and help you keep from spinning out of control.
Identify Your Role In The Dance Of Disconnection
Dr. Sue Johnson calls the negative cycle of conflict that couples get into “the dance of disconnection.” That’s good imagery. Just like, in ballroom dancing, one partner steps forward and the other steps back, in the negative cycle, one partner is the pursuer and the other is the withdrawer. Even in cycles where each partner is attacking or each is withdrawing, one is more of the pursuer and the other is more of the withdrawer. Knowing which you are and what is your default response to relational distress is key to stopping the negative cycle. It is very powerful to overcoming your negative cycle when you are able to understand what happens with you on your side of it instead of just seeing what your partner does. This will help you change your steps in the dance of disconnection and turn it into the dance of connection.
Learn Empathy And Face The Negative Cycle As A Team
When you understand your role in the dance of disconnection, then you look at your partner’s role and come to empathize with the forces that are at work in him or her. Just like you can become a victim of your unmet emotional needs and your triggers, the same is true of your partner. Empathy and understanding are huge tools to help you face your negative cycle as allies, not enemies. When you are a team, it’s the two of you against the negative cycle instead of the two of you against one another.
If you are feeling disconnected from your partner and would like to repair and reconnect, I urge you to read more about couples counseling with Emotionally Focused Therapy, and then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling. We offer a free thirty-minute consultation to explain how we do therapy and answer any questions you have and get you started on the road to connection.
Kelly Heard is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate at SoulCare Counseling under the supervision of Dr. Bernis Riley, LPC-S. She is taking new clients.