Connection is woven into our fabric as human beings. Since Adam and Eve, all people long for and seek relationships. When we have at least one safe, secure connection, we thrive; when we don’t, we deteriorate. Brain research shows that when we’re close to a partner, the brain secretes chemicals that give a sense of well-being and fortifies us against life’s stresses, resulting in a longer life expectancy. But when that connection is threatened or severed, the brain responds with fear, pain, and anxiety very much like that of an addict going through withdrawal, which over time can result in a shorter life.
In childhood, we all learn that we’re happy when relationships are good and sad when they’re not, so we unconsciously develop survival tactics to ensure that our relationships survive. These tactics grow out of the kind of attachment we have with our primary relationships, our parents. Our attachment styles stay with us through adulthood unless we undergo therapy and work to change them.
the four Attachment Styles
There are two main attachment styles: secure and insecure, with three insecure attachment strategies:
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment are secure in relationships. They tend to be warm, loving, comfortable with closeness, and at ease with their relationship.
Anxious Attachment
People with anxious attachment are insecure in relationships. They fear rejection/abandonment, seek constant closeness, seek approval, and are untrusting.
Avoidant Attachment
People with avoidant attachment are independent in relationships. They are self-reliant, do not value close relationships, and withdraw from any “scary” emotions.
Disorganized Attachment
People with disorganized attachment style are usually trauma survivors. They basically switch back and forth between anxious and avoidant attachment.
We have blogs posted on the secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles, which you may want to check out. Here, I’m going to focus on the disorganized attachment style, sometimes also called the “chaotic attachment style.”
The Disorganized Attachment Style
The disorganized attachment style is the least common of the attachment styles. 5% of the population have a disorganized attachment style, while 50% have a secure attachment style, 25% have an anxious attachment style, and 20% have an avoidant attachment style. But those 5% with disorganized attachment have 100% more difficulty in relationships because, while they long to receive and give love, they have learned that people they let get close will hurt them. Usually, they are trauma survivors.
The person with a disorganized attachment style is like Gollum in the “Lord of the Rings” books and movies, who both loves and hates the ring. They both long for and distrust relationships. So, they do things that pull people close but, to keep from getting hurt, at the same time they do things that push them away. Basically, people with a disorganized attachment style expect rejection and hurt, and without realizing it, they unconsciously do or say things to make that very result happen.
Some typical characteristics of the disorganized attachment style are:
Sending mixed signals – “Come close…Get away.” “I love you…I hate you.” “Don’t ever leave me…I don’t want to be around you.” “I need you…I don’t need anyone.”
Unable to regulate their emotions or respond to the emotions of others.
Intimacy inconsistency – clinging one minute and going cold and remote the next.
Difficulty forming relationships, being open in relationships, or trusting other people.
Almost never initiate in relationships – the other person reaches out to them, but they almost never do the reaching out.
Blend the anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
the disorganized attachment style
and The Pushmi-pullyu
In the 1960’s version of the movie, “Dr. Doolittle,” there is an exotic animal named the pushmi-pullyu. It has two heads facing opposite directions, thus the name, which is pronounced, “Push Me, Pull You.” The person with a disorganized attachment style has this same push-pull dynamic in their relationships. They are terrified of being close to someone, but equally terrified of not being close. So, they are triggered into their anxious or avoidant behaviors when they feel that someone is pursuing closeness with them and also when they feel that someone is withdrawing.
People with a disorganized attachment style are triggered by:
Emotional intimacy and emotional distance – getting too close, getting too distant.
The perceived threat of rejection, disapproval, or abandonment – they become clingy.
Confusing behavior – if they can’t make sense of their partner’s actions, it’s scary.
Suspicious behavior – in their mind, suspicion leads to rejection and abandonment so they will either push their partner away to not get hurt or get closer to control the suspicious behavior.
Perceived criticism/complaining – real or imagined, they believe it will lead to them being hurt.
Trauma triggers – smells, images, sounds that they associate with their trauma such as alcohol or a certain facial expression.
How to Change a
Disorganized Attachment Style
On your own, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to change your disorganized attachment style. You are like someone playing a game where you don’t know the rules. You want to play and win, but you don’t know how, so you end up losing every time you try.
First, know that you’re not to blame for not having a secure attachment style. Secure attachment is something that you learn from your parents. If they somehow taught you that relationships are something to be avoided or something that will hurt you, that is on them, not you. But you can unlearn what they taught you and, through therapy, work through your trauma and learn to trust with a safe partner such as your therapist or your spouse. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, this is what we do.
I urge you to read more of our blogs about Emotionally Focused Therapy, and then reach out to us to schedule a free thirty-minute, no-obligation consultation to see if Emotionally Focused Therapy at SoulCare Counseling is right for you. I’m betting that it is.
Amber Bezney is a Licensed Professional Counselor-Associate under the supervision of Dr. Bernis Riley, LPC-S and Certified EFT Therapist. She holds a Masters of Education in Marriage and Family and Couples Counseling. Amber is currently taking new clients.