At some point, every relationship experiences what Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), calls an “attachment injury.” This is a failure of a partner to meet an urgent attachment need, resulting in a wound to the relationship bond going forward. Even though an attachment injury is painful and damage is done, the good news is that research has shown that it can be healed through Emotionally Focused Therapy.
What Is An Attachment Injury?
According to Dr. Johnson, an attachment injury is “a feeling of betrayal or abandonment during a critical time of need.” If, for example, you had a health crisis, a car crash, or lost your job and reached out to your partner for comfort and he or she said, “Yeah, bad stuff happens…you’ll be alright,” and failed to be available, response, and engaged in that moment, failed to “show up” for you in your need, you would feel abandoned, betrayed, left alone in the dark by your partner. This would cause you to say to yourself, “I can’t trust him again…I won’t share my needs with her from now on.” And the relationship bond would be ruptured. The more times this kind of things happens, the deeper the rupture would be.
Attachment injuries redefine a relationship from secure to insecure, and they always break the attachment bond, causing emotional disconnection. “I’m sorry” doesn’t fix it. Flowers don’t fix it. Hugs don’t fix it. That wound festers under the surface for years, maybe unspoken and even unconscious, but it’s there like an emotional roadblock. Unless it is healed, true connection won’t take place again.
How Can an Attachment Injury Heal?
Emotionally Focused Therapy has an eight-step process for healing an attachment injury. It has been proven through research to move partners through forgiveness into rebuilding trust and connection. Even injuries from affairs, addiction and abuse can be healed through this model.
With the help of a trained EFT therapist such as those at SoulCare Counseling to support and guide you through this process, healing of even the most painful attachment injuries can and does take place resulting in repair of the relationship bond. Research into EFT has shown that 70-75% of couples at least experience a change and 90% reconnect and move forward with a healthy relationship. No other counseling model comes close to making that claim.
an Attachment Injury Repair Model (A.I.R.M.)
Stage One: De-escalation
The injured partner articulates his or her injury and its impact
The offending partner listens without reactive responses (defensiveness, justifications)
The injured partner integrates his or her experience and the emotions attached to it with unspoken and/or unconscious attachment fears and longings
The offending partner understands the significance of the event and acknowledges the pain and suffering that he or she caused.
Stage Two: Forgiveness and Reconciliation
The injured partner moves toward a more integrated articulation of the injury and connects it to the attachment bond.
The offending partner empathetically engages, acknowledges responsibility, and expresses empathy, regret, and/or remorse.
Stage 3: Consolidation
The injured partner asks for comfort and caring.
A bonding event is an antidote to the traumatic experience.
After the couple works through all three stages, their relationship can be a safe and secure harbor once again and they are able to start their relationship anew. When the attachment injury is healed, the once-wounded partner is now willing to risk trusting their heart to their partner again, which strengthens the couple’s bond.
If your relationship has been wounded by an attachment injury or a series of injuries, there is hope, there is healing. We at SoulCare Counseling are here to help you repair and reconnect for a stronger relationship. I urge you to read about Couples Counseling, and reach out to schedule a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started in Emotionally Focused Therapy at SoulCare Counseling.
Dr. Bernis Riley is a Doctor of Psychology and Licensed Professional Counselor - Supervisor. She is the co-founder and owner of SoulCare Counseling. She is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Dr. Riley is taking new clients.