I read a statistic recently that says the average marriage lasts 8.2 years. That is staggering! Every couple that repeats those vows and says, “Till death do us part,” means it. But somewhere along the way, they lose the spark and love dies. Whether you are starting your marriage or are an old married couple, you want to be in love and stay in love. But how do you keep the flame of your love and closeness alive for the long run? How can you be married for 60-70 years or more and die still in love?
how to make love not last
Before we get to how to make love last, let’s consider for a moment what keeps love from lasting. What kills love? During the dating period, your guy or gal is the most exciting, perfect person you’ve ever known. Then you get married, and one morning you look over the breakfast table and he’s burping and answering in grunts, and she’s grumpy and has morning breath. It turns out that neither one of you is perfect after all. You’re both very real, normal, flawed human beings. At some point after marriage, those flaws become irritating and impossible to overlook. The way she triggers your insecurities, the way he makes you feel unvalued become too much and you say something or he uses a tone you don’t like, and the next thing you know you’re in a conflict that spirals out of control and leaves you both hurt and confused. This happens more and more frequently. Any little thing can set it off. No matter how hard you try, you get stuck in a cycle of conflict and disconnection. And soon you realize that the spark is dying.
What happened? We call it the “negative cycle.” This negative cycle of conflict is the number one enemy of love. It disconnects lovers and turns them into roommates. It destroys marriages. But the good news is, it can be stopped. Your love can have the closeness you had in the beginning, and then some. How? The secret is to keep your emotional connection alive. Here are some ways to prevent the negative cycle and deepen your emotional connection for life.
how To Make Love Last
At SoulCare Counseling, we really do know how to make love last. It’s not brag, it’s fact. Research has shown that the therapy model we use called Emotionally Focused Therapy, really does work to repair and reconnect couples to one another so that they feel close and safe, which ignites the flames of love. If you will work on these skills every day, you’ll be amazed at the difference it will make.
Respect Raw Spots.
Everyone is the product of their parent/child relationship. Depending on how we bonded with our parents, we either developed an attachment style that is secure or insecure. If a child is left alone, they will fear abandonment and tend to stridently cling to a partner. If they had to perform to get approval and love, they will fear rejection. If they were abused, they will fear intimacy. These are raw spots. When you rub your partner’s raw spots, the instinctual response will be to strike back and go for your raw spots, which gets the negative cycle going. So, it’s important to learn your own and your partner’s raw spots and help them heal. This builds trust, which is the foundation of love.
Respond In A New Way.
When your raw spot gets rubbed, what emotion is triggered? Typically, it’s anger. Anger is the go-to emotion our brain uses to camouflage the deep, vulnerable emotions that we’re too scared to bare. But anger, to justify itself, makes us convince ourselves of things about our partner that aren’t true, such as “She doesn’t care about me,” or “He's impossible to please.” This makes us say hurtful things that cause more wounds. But when you learn your spouse’s raw spots, it helps you respond with compassion rather than anger. You even learn to be vulnerable with them rather than attack them for hurting you.
Be Vulnerable.
We fear that if we let our partner know our fear, sadness, or insecurity, we will become less desirable. The opposite is true, we become more desirable. Vulnerability is good. It heals and bonds you to your partner like nothing else can. It creates compassion and feelings of love in your partner. This is risky, to be sure, but marriages that last over the long run are built on trust that shares the deepest and most vulnerable emotions with one another.
Validate, Validate, Validate.
Our brains trust emotion more than logic, so it is more important to be sincere than to have all the facts correct. That is why validating your partner’s emotions is so important. If you don’t, they will stop sharing how they feel and the relationship will start to decline. Men, you especially need to learn to share your emotions, and when she shares hers, validate them even if they don’t make sense to you. Listen with compassion and without judgment. This opens up your partner’s heart to you and vice versa.
Never Assume, Say What You Need and Want.
Couples assume that their partner knows what they need and want. They don’t. They’re not psychic. Say what it is you need from him or her. Strong, lasting relationships are built on two people that trust and need one another.
Keep The Connection Going.
Throughout the day, stay connected to your partner. Send a quick text, a heart emoji, think of your spouse, pray for him or her at various points in the day and let them know that you are. Don’t get so busy that you don’t have time to touch base with your spouse to let her/him know that you are thinking of them.
Put Your Spouse In First Place.
Well, first place is actually for God, but you know what I mean. He or she is to be first in your human relationships, above everyone else. If you are putting your job, your kids, your parents, or even your pets ahead of your spouse, it’s time to rearrange your priorities. If you want him or her to be there “till death do you part,” give him or her first place in your life. When you get good news, she should be the first person you share that with. When you need help, he should be the first one you reach out to. Lifetime loves are built on mutual dependence and support.
If you need help reconnecting with your spouse and want to make love lasts a lifetime with a flame that never dies, I urge you to read more about couples counseling, and then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling to schedule a free thirty-minute consultation.
Risper Ngumba is a Licensed Professional Counselor - Associate under the supervision of Dr. Bernis Riley, LPC-S and Certified EFT Therapist. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.