Your relationship started with an explosion of emotion and “lovin’ feelings,” but somewhere along the line the lost that spark and you don’t know how to get it back.  The good news is that it is possible to rekindle the spark in your relationship.  But first, let’s understand what that spark is.

You seek, you prod, you plead, you poke, you push, you have “come to Jesus” meetings, but the more you do, the more your partner shuts down and withdraws. How can you help your emotionally unavailable partner to come out of that shell?

If you have had thoughts of divorce recently about your own marriage, there is some good news.  While those thoughts do signal that your marriage has problems, they can also be a strong motivator to do something about those problems and take the necessary steps to save your marriage.

Here are seven relationship skills that you and your partner can learn to build that strong, loving, supportive relationship you each seek.

No one in a relationship wants it to fail.  Obviously, couples want their relationship to work and last a lifetime.  But how?  What is the secret to making a relationship work?  It clearly doesn’t happen all by itself just because they love each other.  What are the relationship skills that make a relationship work for life?

The couples I see in marriage counseling have one dance and it’s all they know.  I call it “The Dance of Disconnection.”  But using Emotionally Focused Therapy, I have taught hundreds of couples a new dance, “The Dance Of Connection.”  And you can learn it too.

You are married, yet you feel alone both physically and emotionally.  You and your spouse are gone from sunup to sundown.  When you are both at home, you eat dinner while watching television.  On the weekends, one of you goes to the mall and the other goes to the golf course.  You are together all alone.  This is not what you signed up for when you said “I do.”  What happened?

Your brain instantly assigns meaning to everything your significant relationships do or say and then tells you what to do to get or keep your connection safe and secure. These are called “Attachment Messages.” What are your attachment messages and are they right?

Of course, men are not all carbon copies of one another. There are exceptions, but typically because of biology and environment, boys and men tend to be withdrawers emotionally. Women can also be withdrawers, but it’s more common in men. And it drives the women in their lives crazy. Why do men check out emotionally? Here are some reasons why most men are not emotionally present:

There is a great book about marriage preparation titled, “Before You Say I Do.” This blog could be titled, “Before You Say I No longer Do.” If you are experiencing marital distress and considering divorce, there are some things to think through before you take that step.

Over my many years as a marriage therapist, I’ve seen marriages destroyed by affairs, but I have also seen many marriages repair, reconnect, and recover to become stronger than before. While the betrayal of an affair of any kind creates terrible damage to a relationship, it is not irreparable.