Everyone has some level of anxiety. For some, they get anxious about a test, a job interview, or an IRS audit…things like that. That’s normal. But many people have constant and intense anxiety that is not normal and which affects every part of their lives, especially their primary relationships. It might come from the attachment style you learned from your parents. If they modeled anxiety in the way they dealt with life and relationships, you picked that up and you do the same. Or it might come from past trauma. If you were hurt in a relationship, you learned to self-protect by being ever on the alert for anything or anyone that doesn’t feel safe. Or, for whatever reason, you may have developed an anxiety disorder.
Whatever happened in the past to cause of your anxiety, it is hard on your present relationships, especially your marital relationship. Anxiety makes it hard to be present and engaged with your spouse. Instead of being in the moment, you are worrying about the past or the future and on edge, which makes it nearly impossible to focus on your partner and get and stay close. Anxiety makes you jump to conclusions and mind-read your partner, which increases conflict and arguments. Anxiety sends you messages that aren’t true and pushes you to react to those messages in ways that harm the relationship.
Here are five strategies to help you keep your anxiety from ruining your marriage:
1.- keep anxiety from ruining your marriage by working On Communication
When you become distressed, worried, anxious, threatened, upset, agitated, etc., it is important that you let your partner know what’s going on. You are not married to a mind-reader. Your spouse doesn’t understand what is going on inside of you to cause you to suddenly act the way you are, and so his or her response will be self-defense or anger at you, which will draw you into a negative conflict cycle.
Even though it is hard to describe your anxiety, even to yourself most likely, it is essential that you try. One way to keep anxiety from ruining your marriage is to tell your spouse about the sensations that you feel in your body when you get triggered. Do you feel like your stomach is in knots, your head is about to explode, your nerves are on fire? Tell your partner about that. Instead of attacking your partner, communicate so that you can work together for understanding.
2.- keep anxiety from ruining your marriage by learning What Triggers Your Anxiety
Your anxiety doesn’t usually happen by itself, although it can. It is most often triggered by something that is said, a topic, a tone of voice, a gesture, a facial expression, body language, etc. The next time you feel that anxiety rising up in your body, you can keep the anxiety from ruining your marriage by trying to notice what had just happened that is a possible trigger. Once you understand your triggers, you can better manage your anxiety. It might be beneficial to do a Google search of the common anxiety triggers and see if you recognize some.
3.- keep anxiety from ruining your marriage by
knowing Your Attachment Styles
What went wrong in childhood always shows up in the adult relationship. In childhood, we all develop ways to help us regulate our own and others’ emotions and stay safe. I encourage you to read our blogs about attachment styles. If you didn’t have a perfect family growing up (and who did?), you probably didn’t develop a secure attachment style. Most people have an insecure attachment style that is either 1) avoidant, 2) anxious, or 3) chaotic (a little of both). If your attachment style is anxious, you will tend to stridently pursue your partner with clinging, nagging, criticizing, complaining, and attacking…all in a desperate effort to draw your partner close, which it never does. If your attachment style is avoidant, you will long for closeness yet avoid intimacy and closeness for fear that you will be hurt…at the slightest conflict, you will shut down and withdraw in an attempt to protect the relationships from further harm. If your attachment style is chaotic, or disorganized, you will chaotically switch between anxious and avoidant.
The more you understand about your attachment style and your partner’s attachment style, the more empathetic you will become as you understand why they are responding and behaving as they do. It’s not you that’s making them be that way, nor are they “a terrible person;” it is their attachment style.
When you can understand that, you have taken a huge step in keeping anxiety from ruining your marriage because attachment needs, when unmet, arouse those attachment styles and create what we call “the negative cycle.” The negative cycle is the pattern of conflict that couples fall into, the same old argument that no one wins, that disagreement that escalates like a tornado until both parties are left frustrated and hurt. Unmet attachment needs drive that cycle, such as the need to know that you matter to your partner, or that you are safe with your partner, that you are understood and valued. When those needs are unmet or denied, our brains send negative messages like, “See, she doesn’t really understand you…He doesn’t really value you…You can never trust him/her.” And that triggers an emotional response that causes you to attack or avoid, or chaotically do both. When you understand why they are doing what they do, it's easier to counter those negative messages you tell yourself when triggered.
4.- keep anxiety from ruining your marriage
by checking Your Stinking Thinking
The negative things you tell yourself when you get triggered are rarely true. Anxiety colors everything as all or nothing, black or white, good or bad, in or out. It says, “She either values you or she doesn’t,” “He either cares about your feelings or he doesn’t,” “This relationship is good or its bad.” People are relationships are more complicated than that. The truth is more that sometimes she values you very much and some times not so much. Sometimes he cares about your feelings very much, and sometimes he's not tuned in. Sometimes the relationship is incredible, and sometimes it could use some help. And it's always like a pendulum, swinging back and forth. Even people who are very connected, are only really tuned in to one another about 30% of the time.
So, the next time you’re triggered and upset, and you start hearing those all or nothing messages, try to step back and ask yourself if that’s really always true all the time, or is this just negative thinking? If you’re feeling those triggered feelings in your body, that’s a huge sign that your thinking is stinking and the anxiety is winning if you let it.
5.- keep anxiety from ruining your marriage
by resisting the urge to Stuff It
Anxiety flourishes when you stuff your feelings and avoid confrontation. Your attachment needs can’t be stuffed away and denied. They are survival instincts, a matter of life and death. We are created by God for connection, and when disconnection happens, dysfunction happens. So, while on the one hand it’s not fair to expect your partner to always be able to reassure you about your anxiety (that’s an overwhelming responsibility for anyone), you can make an effort to have a same-sex support system other than your spouse with whom you can share what’s going on within you. I say “same-sex support system” because sharing problems with the opposite sex can create an emotional attachment and is how most affairs get started.
One great support system for your anxiety is a licensed professional counselor. A professional counselor is a “paid friend” who is trained to listen, be empathetic, and help you manage your anxiety and how you handle it.
If you really want to keep anxiety from ruining your marriage, I urge you to read more about anxiety treatment and go ahead and reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling. We can schedule a free, no-obligation, thirty-minute consultation to get you started on the road to a better life.
Kelly Heard is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist - Associate under the supervision of Shaun Burrow, Ph.D., LMFT - Supervisor and LPC - Supervisor. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.