Growing up in church, I heard this statement a million times: “Marriage is for life, except in cases of adultery.” What was not said but was implied or at least heard by me and countless other Christians was, “If your partner commits adultery, you must divorce; adultery equals divorce.” But wait. The Bible never says, “If there is adultery, thou shalt divorce.” That’s not a commandment. Divorce in cases of adultery is an allowance, not a command. There’s a huge difference. The truth is, many marriages can recover and rebuild after an affair and become stronger than ever. God prefers that over divorce.
What is an affair?
When we hear the word “affair,” what do we think? Most people think of a sexual affair, but there are different kinds of affairs, all of them a betrayal of trust and accompanied by hurtful secrecy.
A sexual affair
This is a secret sexual relationship outside of the marriage. Studies show that sexual affairs are harder for men to forgive. Most men can’t get past the fact that “his woman” had sex with another man, and maybe the other man “was better.” Women, on the other hand, tend to be more likely to forgive if the affair was physical with no emotional entanglement.
A virtual affair
This is a secret involvement with pornography or with a person with whom the partner has sex chats online or through social media, trades sexting messages (sex talk while trading nude photos/videos by cell phone), or has phone sex. Even though there is not a physical involvement, it is still a secret intimate relationship. When revealed or discovered, the betrayed partner feels insecurity, anger, and jealousy that create loss of trust.
An emotional affair
This might not be a sexual attachment yet, but there is an emotional attachment that causes a person to feel closer to the “friend” than the spouse. Giving a “friend” intimate thoughts and feelings that rightly should be given to the spouse is emotional cheating which almost always leads to sexual involvement.
An obsession
This is an intense focus on a hobby or addiction to the point that the person neglects the marriage partner. An obsession with a hobby or addictions such as gambling or drugs can be as destructive to the marriage relationship as any other kind of affair.
Can A Marriage Can Survive after An Affair?
Over my many years as a marriage therapist, I’ve seen marriages destroyed after an affair, but I have also seen many marriages repair, reconnect, and rebuild after an affair and actually become stronger than before. While the betrayal of an affair of any kind creates terrible damage to a relationship, it is not irreparable. Your marriage can rebuild after an affair if you are willing to work with a good marriage therapist and a proven therapy model like Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Studies have proven that 70-75% of couples who complete Emotionally Focused Therapy move from distress to recovery, and approximately 90% show significant improvement.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we help you rebuild trust and create a closer bond that will “affair-proof” your marriage. We will help you identify the unmet needs that fuel your negative conflict cycle, which in turn hinders your ability to intimately connect. Then we will help you change your patterns of interaction so that you are able to communicate and accept one another’s emotions and needs. And finally, we will help you learn how to better communicate with one another and stabilize your relationship. In this process, you will resolve the betrayal, be able to ask for and receive forgiveness, and begin the work of moving forward and rebuilding after an affair.
What to Do immediately after an affair
If you have just discovered your partner’s secret affair, both of you are reeling right now. You are traumatized by the betrayal and tortured by your thoughts about it. Your partner is ashamed and fears that he or she will be punished forever or lose everything. Neither of you are in a good place to make sound decisions. So, I advise that you do the following immediately after an affair:
hold off on making decisions.
Decisions made in the heat of the moment are rarely the best decisions. If you are thinking of hurting yourself or someone else, seek professional help right away. That is a bad idea! If you are thinking of calling a lawyer and starting divorce proceedings, read my blog on what to do before you divorce. But the best thing to do right now is nothing. Just wait and let the shock pass. Sit with your emotions without acting on them. That might be hard to do, but that’s what you need to do.
Give each other space.
You may be acting and speaking out of very dark and destructive emotions right now and basically just not being yourself as you try to grasp what happened. Your partner may be acting and speaking defensively or making promises that rub you the wrong way because you’re hurt. Try to avoid getting caught up in the cycle of intense conversations that escalate into intense conflict. You need help from a professional to guide you through these conversations.
Seek help.
Your pastor can help at this time. However, as a pastor’s wife I can tell you that most pastors are not trained as counselors and don’t have the time to do the counseling you need even if they were. But they certainly can and will listen empathetically and pray with you and support you, which you need. I strongly recommend that after taking with your pastor, you call a competent professional Christian counselor who will walk you through steps to repair, reconnect, and rebuild after an affair.
Take the time it takes.
It may sound trite but it’s true: healing takes time. Give yourself permission to work on your relationship for as long as it takes, whatever it takes. It will be worth it in the end.
If you are reeling from the revelation of an affair, we can help you at SoulCare Counseling. We will not judge you, but we will come along side you and help you out of the darkness and into the light. I urge you to read more about couples counseling, and then reach out to us for a free thirty-minute consultation to see if marriage counseling with SoulCare Counseling is right for you.
Dr. Bernis Riley holds a Doctor of Psychology degree, is a Licensed Professional Counselor – Supervisor, and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is the Clinical Director of SoulCare Counseling, and is currently accepting new clients.