This is part two of my blog on “Relationship Skills That Work.” In any endeavor of life, in order to have success you need to learn certain skills. My grandfather was a carpenter, but to be a good one he had to put in the work to learn carpentry skills. No one goes into marriage with an inherent ability to create a safe, secure, loving, close relationship. In fact, everyone goes into marriage with a sinful nature that can’t help but misinterpret motives, overreact, and get sucked into and stuck in negative cycles of conflict. We see it every day in couples counseling. But here are seven relationship skills that you and your partner can learn to build that strong, loving, supportive relationship that you each seek.
Recapping the Relationship Skills That Work
To recap, the skills spelled out in the first part of this blog are:
Relationship Skill #1: finding Your Partner’s Raw Spots
Everyone has raw spots emotionally, attachment wounds from childhood that cause them to react to threats to their relationship in a dysfunctional way. Some will seek closeness by clinging, criticizing, nagging, complaining, etc., which, of course, has the opposite effect. Usually when one partner pushes, the other partner also seeks to save the relationship by withdrawing, shutting down, going silent, or leaving. To make your relationship work, you need to learn your partner’s raw spots and your own raw spots so that you can help one another heal from those wounds instead of rubbing them rawer. We teach you how to do this in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Relationship Skill #2: Awareness Of Your Trigger Response
When a raw spot gets rubbed, a primary emotion like fear, sadness, surprise, or inadequacy gets triggered sending a warning alarm to the brain. The primary emotion is too risky to admit, so the brain substitutes a “safer” emotion like anger, annoyance, jealousy, etc. Then the brain attaches a message to justify that emotion. This is when the accusations, criticisms, attacks come out, which creates a negative cycle of conflict that sucks you both in. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we teach you to recognize this chain reaction and counter the emotions and messages driving you to that negative cycle.
Relationship Skill #3: Voicing Your Vulnerable Emotions
Instead of voicing those incorrect perceptions that your panicked brain sent, Emotionally Focused Therapy will teach you the relationship skill of opening up and sharing those primary emotions with yourself and your partner. If your partner responds with the relationship skill of love and compassion, your emotional wounds will be healed and you have put another brick in building trust, which is the foundation of a love that lasts over the long haul.
Relationship Skill #4: Validation
The interaction I just described is called validation. It’s one of the strongest relationship skills you can learn. Instead of dismissing your partner’s feelings, as happens in most unhealthy relationships, you’ll learn in Emotionally Focused Therapy to validate those feelings so that your partner feels safe with you and willing to be more open with you. This, of course, creates the closeness and intimacy you seek.
Three More Relationship Skills That Work
Once you have mastered these first four relationship skills, you’re ready to add three more:
Relationship Skill #5: Communicating Your Needs
It is a mistake to think that somehow your spouse intuitively knows what you need and want. It’s ironic that couples who don’t believe in Extrasensory Perception or mindreading, think that their partner can read their mind and know without being told what their partner’s desires are at any moment.
Let me help you at this point. The biggest thing that you and your partner need is each other. We know from the Bible and from scientific research (that, of course, supports what the Bible says) that human beings are created for connection. God said, “It is not good that man should be alone.” The image of the Clint Eastwood strong loner character is just in the movies. People who don’t need other people are unhealthy emotionally. Eastwood’s “High Plains Drifter” character needed counseling!
You need your spouse and your spouse needs you. You cannot have a strong relationship unless you recognize that, verbalize that, and build trust and support with one another. So, you need to develop the relationship skill of communicating to one another how much you love and need each other. And with that, you need to learn how to share with your partner what it is you want and need and ask them to join you in getting it. This could be little things like getting the house cleaned in time for company or achieving career or financial objectives. Make your spouse your partner and be a team.
Relationship Skill #6: Maintaining Emotional Connection
Remember when you were dating how you would think about your sweetheart through the day and maybe send a quick text or make a quick phone call just to say “I love you”? Remember when you were first married and you couldn’t wait to share with your spouse all the things that happened during your day and hear about theirs in return? That’s called being connected. And you still need to do that.
One major way that humans de-stress is by talking about the things that are challenging for us. Couples who are too busy to unpack their day with one another fall into the trap of stress and burnout. Couples who do fence off time to be together and who regularly stay in communication about what is going on in their lives not only have less stress but become the best of friends. My husband wrote a song about me that says, “You might say goodbye to a love, but you’re never gonna leave your best friend.”
Relationship Skill #7: Making Your Spouse Your Number Two
The hierarchy of relationships is God first, spouse second, family third, career fourth. Your relationship with God is paramount and affects every other relationship. But right behind that is your spouse. Down in our core being as humans is a need to bond with another person. As infants we need to bond with our mother, then as adults we need to bond with a mate. This person becomes our primary relationship. Having your primary relationship, first with God, then with your spouse, is critical to your mental and emotional health. Behind those relationships are your family, and then your career. Many couples get that hierarchy mixed up and put their children first or their career first. My husband used to tell our children, “I love your mom more than I love you and I would die for you.” Then he’d ask, “Is that okay with you?” They’d always smile and say yes. It’s reassuring to your children when you love each other with that level of commitment, because it makes them feel safe when the family bond is secure.
When your spouse is number two, right behind God, so that you turn to God and then to each other for help and support every time, it keeps you from turning to an opposite sex work colleague, or to addictions, or other things that people substitute when they’re not connected emotionally to their spouse. This is like a suit of armor against the threats to relationships that abound in our world.
People who learn and practice these seven relationship skills not only have great relationships with their spouse, but they are great parents and great friends and great leaders in their field. If you would like help developing these seven relationship skills, the therapy we do at SoulCare Counseling, Emotionally Focused Therapy, is built around these seven skills and will help you build that strong relationship you long for. I urge you to read more about couples counseling with Emotionally Focused Therapy and reach out to us for a free thirty-minute consultation.
Dr. Bernis Riley, LPC-S, Psy.D. is a licensed professional counselor supervisor with a doctor of psychology degree. She is also certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Dr. Riley is taking new clients.