As I write this blog, it is Valentine’s Day. But on this day devoted to love, the sad reality is that many marriages are in trouble. An article from the Institute for Family Studies reports on a survey conducted by the National Divorce Decision-Making Project that asked people questions about “divorce ideation.” How many married people are thinking about divorce? Half of married people said that they had thought about divorce in the past or recently. Most of those said that they wanted to save their marriage rather than divorce, if possible.
If you have had thoughts of divorce recently about your own marriage, there is some good news. While those thoughts do signal that your marriage has problems, they can also be a strong motivator to do something about those problems and take the necessary steps to save your marriage.
Can You Save Your Marriage?
I wouldn’t be a marriage counselor if I didn’t believe that the majority of marriages can be saved. And I do see marriages saved in my practice through the counseling method I use called “Emotionally Focused Therapy.”
More studies have been done on Emotionally Focused Therapy than any other counseling method. 90% of couples who complete Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy experience significant improvement and 70-75% no longer are in relationship distress. This is compared to a 35% success rate by the next leading couples therapy. Emotionally Focused Therapy is, by far, the best counseling strategy for saving your marriage.
Identifying The Root Problem
Couples who are stuck in relationship distress inevitably fall into a trap we call “find the bad guy” where they look for someone to blame for the marital problems. He says it’s her; she says it’s him. The truth is, it’s neither. It’s something we call the Negative Cycle that pulls couples in like a black hole and they are helpless to pull themselves out. It’s the endless cycle of blaming and defending, strident attacking and withdrawing that is like an endless loop of conflict that leaves both of them feeling disconnected, confused, and helpless. The enemy is not him or her; it is the negative cycle that has them stuck.
Basically, what happens is that everyone has a deep longing for connection where they can have a safe, secure, close relationship of trust. When they have that kind of connection, they are incredibly resilient and confident and able to handle whatever life throws at them. But when that connection is threatened, wounded, or broken, they fall into coping strategies they learned as small children. To simplify it, the strategies fall into either fight, flight, or freeze behaviors. One partner might fight for the relationship by nagging, complaining, criticizing, attacking their partner. The other partner responds by fighting for the relationship by defending, withdrawing, shutting down, going silent, and leaving. After they have both cooled down, they return and “make up” but are left wondering what went wrong and how to stop it.
The Solution That Will Save Your Marriage
Most couples, when they realize their marriage is in trouble, go to the book store and buy a book on marriage. And there are no end of “save your marriage” books that teach communication techniques, conflict-management strategies, love languages, and relationship tools of all kinds. Save your money. Very few marriages are saved by a book. Books on marriage are great and I can recommend some good ones that will be eye-opening and helpful, but the fact is that no more than a book on carpentry will build your house will a book on marriage save your marriage. For your house, you need a competent carpenter with great tools. And for your marriage you need a trained marriage therapist who uses the most effective marriage counseling therapy on earth. If you could fix the problems yourself, you would have. But it’s like trying to do surgery on yourself. I highly recommend you don’t do it yourself.
Find a counselor trained, and ideally certified, in Emotionally Focused Therapy who can help you see what it is that is pulling you in and getting you stuck in the negative cycle and then work with you to repair and reconnect instead of blaming and withdrawing. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we use a sequence of interventions that is designed to identify your negative cycle and the forces that drive it. You will learn what deep attachment needs are being threatened, wounded, or denied; what message your brain attaches to these attachment wounds; and what coping behaviors you’re using to try to save your connection.
When you are able to communicate these deep longings and attachment needs to your partner and be really heard, your brain actually begins to rewire itself so that, together, you can fight your common enemy, the negative cycle. You will learn to experience one another in new ways that will take you back to the way you felt when you first fell in love. With this new connection, you will be empowered to repair and reconnect so that whenever the negative cycle shows up again, you can shut it down.
Take the First Step to Save Your Marriage
If you are at the end of your rope with your marriage and are having thoughts of divorce, it’s time to reach out for help. SoulCare Counseling specializes in marriage counseling using Emotionally Focused Therapy from a Christian perspective. Take some time to learn more about couples counseling with EFT and then reach out to us for a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started on the road to reconnection.
Dr. Bernis Riley, Psy.D., LPC-S, is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is co-founder and clinical director of SoulCare Counseling. Dr. Riley has been practicing as a licensed counselor for nearly twenty years and has helped hundreds of couples just like you. She is taking new clients.