With the high cost of gas and everything else, our pool guy is shutting down his business. So, my husband decided that he’ll take care of the pool himself. He went to the local pool supply store and found a pool maintenance starter kit. Everything he needs to understand how to maintain the pool and get started is in there.
It struck me that a lot of couples could use a starter kit for Emotionally Focused Therapy. There is hope and there is help for your relationship distress. Through EFT, you can reconnect and have that close, intimate, fulfilling, long-lasting love that you both signed up for when you said, “I Do.”
foundational underpinnings of
Emotionally Focused Therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT for short, is not to be confused with Emotion Focused Therapy (also called EFT), developed by Les Greenburg. Emotionally Focused Therapy was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. It has as its foundational underpinnings, several well-respected and proven psychological theories and approaches. Three main ones are…
Humanistic-Experiential Approach:
Emotionally Focused Therapy is based on the assumption that human nature is the same for everyone. We have reasons why we behave in the ways we do. We are whole persons, not just psychological labels. So, in EFT, we don’t pathologize you or try to find the bad guy in your relationship. Instead, we look at you as whole persons and seek out the reasons and emotions behind your behavior.
Systems Theory:
EFT recognizes that in relationships, we are part of a system that is interconnected. Each part of the system affects all the other parts of the system. Your actions cause a reaction in your partner, which becomes a self-perpetuating negative cycle of disconnection. He is not the problem, and she is not the problem. The system is the problem, and the negative cycle within the system is the problem. Therefore, addressing the emotional triggers that spark off the negative cycle is the solution, not “fixing” the husband or the wife.
Attachment Theory:
Humans seek attachment above all else. God said it in Genesis, “It is not good for man to be alone.” We are literally created for connection. We are always reaching out for our loved ones for comfort and emotional support. We become extreme upset and resort to dysfunctional behaviors when our loved ones become physically or emotionally remote. When we are securely attached, we can handle uncertainty, threats, anxiety, or sadness; we become much more resilient.
Emotionally Focused Therapy
And The Negative Cycle
Drawing on these and other theoretical understandings, Emotionally Focused Therapy focuses on the predictable negative conflict patterns that arise when a couple becomes disconnected. When partners lose connection with their partner, they fall into distress and subconsciously employ usually destructive tactics to reconnect. We protest, we get angry, we cling, we get depressed, we yell, we criticize, we run away or shut down. This attack/withdraw pattern is what we call “the negative cycle, the unending cycle of conflict that takes over the relationship.
The negative cycle usually takes on one of three forms:
Attack/Attack
This is where both partners attack one another. One is usually the main attacker, but they both push and push back against one another.
Attack/Withdraw
This is where one partner attacks with criticism, complaining, nagging, pleading, crying, and shouting while the other withdraws with defending, stonewalling, shutting down, silence, and leaving.
Withdraw/Withdraw
This is where both partners are shut down emotionally. Conversation is about day-to-day chores, assignments, tasks, but neither dares to draw close or seek to draw the other close. The couple have basically become roommates at this point.
How Emotionally Focused Therapy Works
EFT sessions are designed to foster emotional connection between you again, which will result in a reduction of conflict. You will both talk to your therapist and with one another in a safe and structured environment where you can regulate or deal with difficult emotions and bring them back into balance by sharing them with your partner in a way that will be received.
Most of your time in therapy will be spent de-escalating your conflict. We will listen for and share the emotions and the unmet primary emotional attachment needs that are driving your conflict. Your EFT therapist will help you get underneath the arguments to the emotions fueling them. When you are able to identify your true needs and communicate those in a way that is understood and received, the conflict in your relationship will de-escalate so that you can begin to reconnect again.
You will learn to talk about and accept one another’s feelings, understand the role you each play in the negative cycle, learn to spot your triggers, and re-focus on the negative cycle as the “bad guy,” not one another. You’ll learn how to tune in to your emotions so that you know what you need from one another, and you’ll be able to express those desires in a way that is received. You will be able to see one another as a safe haven and secure harbor in this crazy world we live in.
It's Time To Get Started
If you and your partner are feeling disconnected and you want to reconnect, we can help. At SoulCare Counseling, we’re a little different than most counseling centers in that we only do Emotionally Focused Therapy. Most counseling practices use an eclectic mix of approaches, but we focus one doing one approach really well, the one that has the highest success rate of any couples therapy model: Emotionally Focused Therapy.
To get started, read more about Emotionally Focused Therapy and then contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation thirty-minute consultation. We’ll talk with you about how we do therapy, let you ask any questions you have, and see if it feels like a good fit. If so, we’ll schedule your first actual counseling appointment, give you your paperwork, and take half payment. Then you’ll be on your way to that difference you’ve been longing for in your relationship.
Dr. Bernis Riley holds a Doctor of Psychology degree, is a Licensed Professional Counselor – Supervisor, and is certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She is the Clinical Director/Supervisor at SoulCare Counseling, and is currently accepting new clients.