In a healthy relationship there is safety and security that gives you and your partner separately and as a couple the resilience to face whatever challenges come along. That sense of safety and security comes from knowing that you are loved, accepted, and supported. You are loved in a way that allows you the freedom to grow and achieve your potential. You are accepted for who and what you are so that you don’t have to pretend to be who and what your partner expects. And when you face obstacles, your partner is there for you to give support and encouragement. To put it another way, a healthy relationship gives you roots and wings. It is a safe base to launch from and return to.
But what if your base isn’t safe? What if your base is a prison? What if the protectiveness and concern that you thought your partner was showing is actually coercive control? Here are 5 signs that you are in a controlling relationship that needs help:
In a controlling relationship,
there is dominance.
In a healthy relationship, couples talk about issues and reach a decision together. It’s not like when you were single and you didn’t have to take anyone else into consideration. In marriage, you learn to say, “I need to talk to my wife or husband first.” Not to get permission, but to check in and make sure we both agree on this. Once in a while, you or your spouse might buy something or make reservations to go somewhere as a surprise, but if that becomes the norm, it could be a red flag. Does your partner regularly make decisions for you without consulting you? Do they buy all your clothes, get you a membership in a gym, pick out your car, plan the menu/grocery list, choose what TV shows and movies you’ll watch, tell you where you can go and what you can do? They might say they just care for you so much, but actually they have an unhealthy need to control you.
In a controlling relationship,
there is blame-shifting.
Controlling people are insecure and use control as a cover to hide it. That’s why, when they make a mistake, they don’t take responsibility for it. If you confront them on something they have done wrong, they will shift the blame off of themselves and onto you so that you end up being the one to say, “I’m sorry.” There is a name for this: “gaslighting.” It comes from a 1944 movie called “Gaslight” where the husband convinces his wife that she’s imagining things that he is doing and that she is going crazy, which she begins to believe. When a partner denies reality and turns it around to make you think it didn’t really happen or that it was actually your fault, that’s gaslighting. It’s a form of control.
In a controlling relationship,
there is over-protectiveness.
It is wonderful to have someone who loves and cares about you and takes care of you. But controlling is not caring. Those are two different things. A controlling partner will get angry when you don’t answer calls or texts, when you go visit family on your own, or see a movie with a friend, or spend time alone with a hobby. They may say that they just want to know where you are and that you’re okay, but that’s just a cover. What they want is to control where you go, when you go, what you do, and who you’re with. They want to make sure you don’t go anywhere without them or do anything unless it’s what they want you to do. That’s not protection; that’s domination.
In a controlling relationship,
There is isolation.
A very typical characteristic of a controlling person is one where they isolate their partner. It might begin with eye rolls when you get a call from a family or friend. It then evolves into criticism and nagging and fighting over you “spending too much time with them and not enough time with me.” In a sick way, that is flattering: the idea that your partner wants to be with you so much that it upsets them when you are with anyone else. But that’s not healthy love; that’s controlling obsession. If your partner does things to create a rift between you and others, or tries to make you feel guilty about spending time with family or friends, or emotionally punishes you for being with anyone else, that’s mark of a controlling relationship.
In a controlling relationship, there is a lack of boundaries.
To the controlling person, their partner is a possession. Possessions don’t have a right to privacy; they are the property of the owner. So, the controlling partner would have no problem reading your emails or texts, creeping on your social media account, or reading your private journal. They would expect to have a list of all your usernames and passwords. There is no place where they end and you begin.
If you are in a controlling relationship, if you and your partner realize what is happening and both want to make the relationship work, I urge you to read about couples counseling with Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your partner has an insecure attachment strategy that we can help them understand and change, if they are willing. You also have an insecure attachment strategy, or you wouldn’t have let yourself be controlled. We can help you understand that and change also. When you are ready, reach out to us for a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started on the road to re-connection.
Kelly Heard is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist - Associate (LMFT-A) with SoulCare Counseling. She is under the supervision of Shaun Burrow, Ph.D., LMFT - Supervisor and LPC - Supervisor. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and is a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Kelly is taking new couples.