Has your relationship lost its spark? When you were first together, those sparks flew! You were swimming in the loving feeling. But somewhere along the line, you lost that loving feeling. I know that I’m showing my age, but I still love the 1964 Righteous Brothers song, “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling.” It starts and ends with:
You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
There's no tenderness like before in your fingertips
You're trying hard not to show it
But baby, baby I know it
You lost that lovin' feelin'
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
You lost that lovin' feelin'
Now it's gone, gone, gone, whoa-oh…
…Bring back that lovin' feelin'
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
Bring back that lovin' feelin'
'Cause it's gone, gone, gone
And I can't go on, whoa-oh
With a catchy tune and great singing, the song went to number one and became a classic because so many couples relate. Their relationship started with an explosion of emotion and there were plenty of “lovin’ feelings.” But somewhere along the line they lost the spark and they don’t know how to get it back. Many couples decide that they’ve “fallen out of love” and divorce. Others descend into a negative cycle where one pushes for closeness and the other withdraws, which leaves them both feeling disconnected, confused, and lonely.
The good news is that it is possible to rekindle the spark in your relationship. But first, let’s understand what the spark is.
What is that loving feeling?
Sticking with my song theme, Bonnie Raitt had a hit song called “Love Sneakin’ Up On You.” It describes the obsession and excitement of first love when you realize that love has snuck up on you. Here’s the first verse and chorus:
Rainy night, I'm all alone
Sitting here waiting for your voice on the phone
Fever turns to cold, cold sweat
Thinking about things we ain't done yet
Tell me now, I gotta know you feel the same
Do you just light up at the mention of my name?
Don't worry baby, it ain't nothing new
That's just love sneaking up on you
And if your whole work is shaking, feel like I do
That's just love sneaking up on you
Remember when love came sneaking up on you? You couldn’t stop thinking about him or her. You got all warm inside when you did. You couldn’t wait to see one another. The time flew when you were together. It’s like you were the only two people in the world. You lit up when he or she was around. You’ve never been so happy, so possessed by love.
Actually, it’s not love that you were feeling. Oh, love was in there somewhere. But the main thing you were feeling was a chemical in your brain called dopamine. That’s where we get the word, “dope,” because it makes you act dopey. Dopamine emits a feeling of euphoria that is something like the high of cocaine. When dopamine is present in the brain, it lowers inhibitions and enables relaxation, which causes a person to enjoy themselves more than they normally would.
Through research into brain chemistry, we know that this level of dopamine production lasts from one to two years in a new relationship. But the human body can’t maintain the high level of dopamine much beyond that. So, after two years at most, the “loving feeling” of dopamine starts to fade. That’s when people wrongly think that they’ve “fallen out of love” and break off the relationship or divorce and go looking for someone new who will stir those feelings again. That can lead to “love addiction.” I am fighting the urge to give you the lyrics of the Robert Palmer song, “Addicted to Love,” but you get the idea. Too many people, because they equate the euphoria of dopamine with love become addicted to the feeling of they associate with being “in love.”
But love isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice. It’s a commitment. Love isn’t just what you feel; it’s what you make. You make love. I’m not just talking about having sex. I mean you work at love; you choose to love; you build love; you show love; you give love. If love is only a feeling, it becomes what Tina Turner called it in her song, “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” …. just a second-hand emotion.
How can you rekindle the spark in your relationship and get back that loving feeling?
First, realize that the feeling in genuine, lifetime love is more than a dopamine rush. The feeling in real love is security. When you know that your lover places you above anyone else and is on your side and there for you through thick and thin, it produces in you a feeling of security and safety that makes you feel confidence in yourself so that you are more resilient against things like anxiety, depression, or even sickness and pain. Plus, you also get to have intimate moments where dopamine does its thing.
So, to rekindle the spark in your relationship, instead of seeking an artificial loving feeling of excitement and euphoria, seek a deep emotional connection. Here are two ways to do that:
Learn to be present with your partner.
Teach yourself to be available, responsive, and engaged. When your partner shares feelings, be there for him or her. Pay attention. Look into your partner’s eyes and listen, not just to the words but to the emotions behind them. Then respond. Try to feel what he or she is feeling. And engage with them. Probe and empathize and validate. Being heard, really heard, is an aphrodisiac like no other! Nothing makes you more attractive and desirable to your mate than showing that you care about his or her inner world, and vice versa.
Don’t judge.
We all express our emotions differently. Someone said that emotions are energy in motion. When your partner feels something inside, it can’t help but move outward. So, his or her brain turns the feelings into a message that isn’t always accurate. Sometimes if your partner suddenly feels insecure, the brain might turn that into a message that says, “I’m not safe. My partner is against me, doesn’t understand me, never takes my side, etc.” And that inner false message comes out of the mouth as an attack or criticism. But that’s not what your partner is actually feeling. It’s just that the feeling is so scary that the brain won’t let him or her say it, even to him or herself. Instead, it gets turned into an attacking, criticizing message because the brain thinks that is safer than risking vulnerability and saying, “I’m scared; I’m feeling insecure; I feel small right now, and I need you to come close.”
The problem is that when your partner attacks with those kinds of messages, your brain sends you a warning alarm that puts you in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode. The typical response to being attacked is to attack back, freeze in place and go silent, or flee and leave. The key is to learn to hear what your partner is saying but without judgment. Instead of making an instant judgment that your partner is bad, is mean, is crazy, etc., and responding in kind, think, “That is his or her brain’s reaction to a scary feeling. He/she doesn’t mean that and, in fact, what he/she is saying isn’t even really the issue. Something is wrong inside and I need to help him or her get that out and deal with it.”
Have you ever talked a conflict through until you got to the heart of the issue where your partner finally opens up about the soft, scary feeling beneath all those attacking words? And have you opened up about your scary feelings beneath your defensive words and your withdrawing? Many never do. But what if you could? And what if you could get to those feelings without the attacking and withdrawing? You can!
That is exactly what you learn to do in Emotionally Focused Therapy, the kind of couples therapy we do at SoulCare Counseling. A trained EFT therapist will help you identify your negative cycle and each of your roles in it as either the pursuer or the withdrawer. You’ll learn what your attachment needs are that get wounded and trigger the negative cycle that you’re stuck in. You’ll be able to share your deep emotions in a way that is received, which will draw you and your partner together to that “loving feeling” of security that you long for. When that happens and you have a safe, secure connection, the intimacy and attraction and dopamine spark will take care of itself.
If you would like to rekindle the spark in your relationship, I urge you to read more about couples counseling with Emotionally Focused Therapy. Then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling for a free thirty-minute consultation to get you started to a relationship even better than you had at first.
Dr. Bernis Riley is co-founder and Clinical Director of SoulCare Counseling. She holds a doctorate in psychology and is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor (LPC-S). Dr. Riley is taking new clients.