Most likely, you’re reading this blog because your relationship could use some help with your emotionally unavailable partner. It’s not that you don’t love one another, but it’s that you are tired of reaching out to someone who is shut down emotionally. You feel lonely, confused, frustrated and helpless. Maybe you’re even feeling a little resentful, or perhaps a lot resentful. You might feel like you’re doing something wrong or you’re not doing enough. You are starved for attention, engagement, responsiveness, validation, support, affection and your partner just doesn’t seem to “get it.”
When you first started dating, there was plenty of attention, conversation, and affection. Where did that go? Whose fault is it? You have tried and tried to draw your partner out of his or her emotional turtle shell, but it becomes like a game of hide and seek. You seek, you prod, you plead, you poke, you push, you have “come to Jesus” meetings, but the more you do, the more your partner shuts down and withdraws. If your relationship was a dance, it would be a dance of disconnection with two steps: pursue and withdraw. In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, we call this “the negative cycle.” I see it every day.
Why Is My Partner Emotionally Unavailable?
This is a subject for a longer blog, but in a nutshell, people become withdrawers because that is their attachment style. From the cradle, every person seeks attachment. We humans need connection like we need oxygen. As small children, when our parental connections were threatened, wounded, or broken, we developed “attachment styles,” coping behaviors to fix the connection. Those behaviors fall into three categories: strident pursuing, avoidant withdrawing, or a chaotic mix of both. None of those behaviors works. Strident pursuing only pushes people away and avoidant withdrawing only intensifies conflict. But people do those two things because it’s all they know, and they do it unconsciously.
If your partner is emotionally unavailable, it’s because they have an avoidant attachment style that they learned as small children and they’ve been using it their whole lives when they feel a threat. When a withdrawer feels their pursuing partner becoming frustrated or unhappy, they shut down because they believe that going silent will save the relationship from further harm. Also, when a withdrawer feels shame, insecurity, or inadequacy, rather than admit their vulnerability, they shut down rather than let their partner see them “as weak.” Withdrawers also shut down when they’re emotionally overwhelmed. They go into “fight, flight, or freeze mode.” Except they don’t fight; they freeze or fly, thinking that they are taking the high road. Trauma survivors often unconsciously separate or dissociate themselves from their emotions during conflict.
How Can I Help My Emotionally Unavailable Partner?
Since urging, nagging, criticizing, complaining, pleading, interrogating, negotiating, fighting, etc., etc. don’t work to draw your partner out, what can you do? Here are some strategies that will have more success than the common tactics I just listed.
Stop trying to solve the riddle of your withdrawer.
You are a pursuer. Your partner is a withdrawer. It’s like you speak English and he or she speaks Martian. You might be able to understand it intellectually, but you’ll never be able to get in your partner’s skin and know what it’s like. And your withdrawer is self-protective but not self-aware, which makes him or her unable to explain it to you without the help of a trained couples therapist. But right now, you’re not “safe” enough for your partner to be vulnerable and open enough to try. Until then, the best thing you can do is just accept that this Martian you married is not like you emotionally. You are a pursuer, he or she is a withdrawer. But when your partner does open up, show that you’re “safe.”
When you are triggered, it’s okay to show hurt but not anger.
Anger is our go-to emotion. It’s easy to access and easy to show, particularly in those times when we are hurt. But what happens when you get angry at someone? They get angry back, right? And the next thing you know, you’re in that negative cycle I talked about earlier, pushing and pulling, attacking and defending, pursuing stridently and shutting down avoidantly in an ever-escalating cycle of conflict that leaves you both feeling confused, alone, and helpless.
So, instead of showing anger, talk about your hurt feelings. Your impulse is to hurt your partner like your partner has hurt you by showing their faults and inadequacies. But this never draws them closer, does it? It never makes them open up to you, does it? No, it shuts them down or makes them want to show you your faults in return and then ultimately go silent and/or leave. Next time you are triggered, imagine a crossroads with two paths. One path has a sign that says “Show Anger,” the other path has a sign that says “Show Hurt.” Choose the second path. It’s less traveled but leads to a better place.
Never shame a withdrawer.
Every pursuer makes the mistake of thinking they know what their withdrawer’s motives are. In fact, your brain actually sends instantaneous messages when your attachment need is threatened. You can identify these by the words “never” and “always.” “You never engage with me.” “You’re never there for me.” “You always run away.” “You don’t care how I feel. All you care about is yourself.” Telling your partner what he or she thinks and feels is not helpful and most likely, your assumptions are wrong. But think about it, what you’re basically communicating to your partner is, “You’re bad. You’re the bad guy.”
What this is called in couples counseling is “shaming.” Guess what? Withdrawers are eaten up with shame already. Shame is a powerful and awful feeling. Putting shame on your partner is never helpful. It never draws them in or makes them want to open up to you. Even if your partner has done something wrong or bad, intentionally or unintentionally, according to the Bible we are all sinners. We have all sinned and fallen short. We’re all “bad” in that sense. But it does no good to the relationship to turn your frustration into a hunt for the bad guy. Do you know who the “bad guy” really is in your relationship? It’s not your partner and it’s not you. It’s this negative cycle that draws you into conflict.
If you are stuck in a negative cycle of pursing and withdrawing, you can’t get out of it yourself any more than you can pull yourself out of quicksand. You need help from a couples counselor trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy. EFT is designed to help partners identify and overcome their negative cycle. I urge you to read more about couples counseling, and then reach out to us at SoulCare Counseling for a free thirty-minute consultation. You can start with these strategies, but then get some professional help. 90% of couples who complete Emotionally Focused Therapy see significant change. 70% can no longer be diagnosed as having relationship distress! Let us help you!
Dr. Bernis Riley, Psy.D., LPC-S is the co-founder and Clinical Director of SoulCare Counseling. She is married to Dr. Mark Riley, Executive Director of SoulCare, and they have three grown children and six grandchildren. Dr. Riley is taking new clients.